What compassionate individuals Imo it's fine to seek privacy in your own home. Even if you weren't uncomfortable about workmen being up in your business all the time (which I would be)
Spoiler i want physical touch so fucking badly, i want to touch someone and hug someone and be held and comforted when i feel bad but that feels selfish and demanding and i don't really have any irl friends left anyways so kill me i guess
Spoiler how long am i supposed to sustain this thing where i attempt and fail over and over, just let me die already
Spoiler the fact that i would kill myself knowing full well how badly it would hurt my boyfriend especially considering he's still grieving his friend who was fucking murdered just over a year ago speaks volumes as to how selfish i am
I've been forgetting to put stuff under spoilers o gosh i should get back to that Spoiler my boyfriend has been busy lately and my anxiety skyrocketed and i was like "gee what a shitty coincidence" and then i remembered oh yeah, hi dependency issues. i feel like i have to keep reminding him i'm a piece of shit. like he keeps saying i'm the best thing ever but i'm not and i know it and i feel like i tricked him by being nice, and eventually i'll split and won't catch myself and then i'll hurt him and he'll hate me. i'm tired of worrying about this i just want to have a date day with him and be quiet together and watch orphan black (i'm really glad he likes that show, i'm happy our interests align nicely and both of us can happily talk about whatever we're interested in and the other person won't get bored)
Spoiler ....i guess i am just choosing not to sleep tonight bc even tho i have class tomorrow and i have to be up at 5 and i have to take a test date night and getting attention and being around him and feeling secure right now is more important
Spoiler emotionally flatlining, don't know how to feel things and that's the worst because if i don't feel things they aren't real
edited some previous posts to put them under spoiler cuts Spoiler i just feel absent? nothing is grounding me i'm just here and feel nothing. i don't know what to do without touch or contact or voices. i'm manipulating people for attention, i'm cutting myself and hoping someone sees marks and feels bad for me (this is immature bullshit and also, never worked before and is not going to work now) i keep shoving various amounts of meds in my mouth because maybe i'll get sick, maybe i'll damage something, i don't think i'll die because the success rate from pill overdose (nonprescriptiomn shit anyways) is really low but meh meh i'mnot really trying to die i just don't really care if i live either. shrugs
Spoiler im not supposed to be on earth? i'm not supposed to be here, people are weirdvand i miss myself?
Spoiler i think about death a lot. is this normal?i research it. i knowmethods and i go through all these weird miniattempts like it's practice hm, i'm a little bit drunk rn
Spoiler i started up a discourse blog so i can have a constant feed of drama and negative attention at my fingertips whenever i want it
Spoiler ok. i calmed down. humans have no inherent worth; value is based on achievement and connection. i have neither, so there is no point. i think this makes sense. i am cynical and tired of trying, caring hurts so i stopped, and i feel cleaner now. i don't have to feel bad about this any more. it's a relief and it feels nice. thank you.
::joins the patting of the shark if it's okay:: I'm sorry I don't have any comforting words to offer, but witnessed.
Spoiler cons of running tumblr discourse blog: people are constantly angry at me, i cannot stop shaking but i am compelled to keep responding anyways, my head hurts, being sent a graphic description of rape pros of running tumblr discourse blog: i need attention to stay alive and even negative attention is attention and people hating me is less scary than people trying to help me
Spoiler: suicide talk i cannot answer questions like "are you suicidal right now" because i am literally always suicidal, have multiple plans and everything i need to act on them but there is no way to explain that so it doesn't count until i'm actually physically acting on it. which tends to be a thing i do now without even noticing I'm doing it, my body starts moving and suddenly i "wake up" and realize i've driven halfway to the bridge or i'm choking myself with a belt, haha.
Hey @gills it sounds like you might be a danger to yourself. Have you sought treatment or gone to the hospital lately to see if things can improve?
