@ectoBiologist i don't have access to treatment right now and my mom has warned me not to end up in the hospital again after another attempt, and frankly i would rather just take my chances than deal with the fallout from that
I'm looking forward to hearing about your Melbourne trip (and maybe meeting you?) and I hope you're excited for it.
i am excited! nervous too but excited! (noooot super sure about meeting anyone partially bc time and partially bc i worry about being The Enemy on this site, but, maybe? who knows)
Spoiler no one can ever engage in a debate on any side and assume good faith, the other person is either crazy (because, as we all know, craaaaaazy people can't form opinions!) or a liar. if someone disagrees with you it is always because they are a terrible person and never ever because they genuinely believe something. everyone is evil!!!!!!! /sarcasm
I'm glad! And I understand being wary. I don't consider you any kind of enemy, if hearing that is reassuring. Just consider this an open invitation to hmu while you are here and if you feel okay with it. Especially if there's an emergency (I have a car at the very least).
i'm not wary of you personally, i just worry because i don't always fit well with the culture here and i don't want people being mad at me and i worry too much, etc. you seem cool.
Spoiler .....ok, so i managed to run a Discourse blog for all of what, three days? before watching people on my side of it descend into rampant biphopia and bully the one person who bothered to source their position and make actual arguments into deleting. tumblr is nothing if not consistent, i guess. idk what i expected.
Spoiler: happy buzzing!!!!!!! i saw art that gave me gender euphoria and i'm happy and i feel good and every time i look at it i just feel so wonderful!!!!!!!!
Spoiler *talks about literally anything* *does not receive desired amount of attention from talking about thing* *tries to erase all evidence of the fact that i ever said anything because leaving evidence of Not Enough Attention makes me want to die*
Spoiler i don't deserve him, i take and take from him and never give anything back. i'm stupid and worthless all i ever do is melt downband hurt him, can't he see i'm hurting him??????? i should leave, it doesn'tcmatter how much it hurts i should leave before he realizes I'm bad
i made him doubt that i love him im sick im sick im evil i cantbbreathe i hurt him i hurt him hes goijh to hate me and i hurt him im so skorry
ive explained but now the fear is there. and i hurt him, i can't get around that and I'm not going to make excuses for myself.
I'm glad you did. There’s no need to make excuses for yourself or self flagellating, you can just try not to do the thing in the future. People hurt each other in relationships, it's okay.
you don't need to back off, i'm thankful actually. we're talking. we're both calmer. i still feel horrible, and i can't tell now if i'm in the good person or bad person box. on one hand, i hurt him, and that's always inexcusable, and my original concern still stands (that i'm tricking myself into thinking i love him but actually i'm just s bad borderline using him for validation/sex/gifts/whatever). anything that puts me in a good person box is an excuse (but i didn't mean to, but i apologized, but sometimes people in relationships hurt each other.) when do i cross the line from person who made a mistake into person who is manipulative and abusive? ....i feel like such a shitty boyfriend. ughh.
Open communication and having good third party opinions works. It might be less complicated when you're getting good treatment for your bpd.
