I understand you're probably splitting a bit but also try to keep in mind that "good person" or "bad person" aren't coherent categories to stuff complex humans into. You are a person trying his best to treat his boyfriend well.
...ok yeah i am for sure doing the thing where i put people in boxes, and that was part of what led to this whole thing, i had him in the top tier of "perfect human flawless incapable of doing wrong" and me in the "lowest lowly worm, disgusting and evil" box and then i catastrophized (is that a word), decided i am incapable of love and am just using him, bottled everything up and then exploded into tears. and i set off his paranoia and made him scared that i actually didn't love him and am going to leave. which isn't true. and we're talking about it. i just feel awful. ;n;
Catastrophising is a thing yeah (you spelled it fine with a z in the American way). It can be scary when a partner is super upset or distressed, but you're both doing well processing it together :3
Spoiler guilt guilt guilt guilt. even though we talked it out, even though he went to sleep feeling happy and i tried to fix it i'm always always going to remember what i did. that even if it was just for a second he thought i didn't love him. there's a loop in my head of him saying "you're not scamming me, are you? you love me, you love me, right?" and begging me not to leave him while he was having an anxiety attack, i did that. that was my fault he felt like that
Spoiler my boyfriend: i'm gay and i love boys 6000 people: what's there to love can people go like. 1 day without needing to shit on mlm positivity
Spoiler weird genderfeel of the day: at a waterpark, see someone with scars from top surgery, try not to stare and end up staring because when do i get that, this is a Real Thing That Happens To People, when does it happen to me when do i get to go to the beach and not want to die because dysphoria punches me in the throat lmao
Spoiler thank you but i legitimately don't deserve it. i deserve a fid thread. jesus christ why did i do that
why am i always late to drama, i need my self-harm fix of deliberately exposing myself to and getting involved in conflict
i've found that running a discourse blog on tumblr is a great way to just really fuck with my head, because sometimes people will agree with me and validate my shit and at the same time someone else will yell at me and tell me i should go get hit by a train, i can be a bitter little piece of shit and say "lmao" as much as i want and then i can avoid stating my clear opinion anywhere outside that blog as much as possible so no one has any idea who i really am :)
Spoiler: sex talk i feel like there's been. a shift in Doing The Sex with my boyfriend like. i'm ok with being the one Doing Things To and not always the one Having Things Done To. and i don't need to be submissive ALL the time. but i'm. really really uncomfortable in anything remotely close to a dom role which is what it's starting to feel like like. i can only handle doing the "disobedient sub" thing in limited doses and the only reason i can do it is because i know i'm gonna get punished!!! and now that's not happening! and i just feel Gross because i can't get that. floaty good freedom of not having to think, of not having to feel like a person, i can't give IP control anymore and just NOT THINK for awhile and i NEED that i wanna go back to camming with random gross men online because even though i hate myself for it and i'd hate myself even more now because i'd be cheating i need to feel degraded and humiliated. i need that i haven't been able to come for over a month and i've been faking it and i feel so bad and i keep crying
how do you say "i'm not really happy with the way we're doing sex" to your partner without sounding like an asshole and ruining something that makes them happy
