Vent Venting Snail

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aw man, that's fucking rough. i dunno what to say, but i feel for you dude and i wish i could help.

if you're having trouble communicating the extent or core of your issues to your therapist, it might help to just give her a little write up like this. it doesn't have to be neat or nothing, just a little bit of what worries you that maybe you haven't been able to or felt comfortable with speaking out loud.

 

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ah. There's no one else there to talk to there besides her, or have you had bad times with the rest of the staff?

 

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Spoiler

having major upsets about today.
Told B I will be moving out when J's father makes up his mind about whether or not I can.
B is upset. She feels like I like J better. She doesn't voice this. But she vagues enough on Tumblr when she's depressed about being the backup friend.

B's house isn't healthy for me. Her parents are overbearing and passive aggressive. They beat their dog. The plumbing doesn't work, leading us unable to flush the toilet most of the time. They have a severe German roach infestation. Her mom steals my food. Her mom expects me to take B everywhere, such as appointments and interviews, without asking. They are loud yelly people. And I've dealt with them long enough.

J has a very quiet house. A soft fur baby that doesn't come galloping to attack. A dad who is not usually around, as they live in a converted duplex, he has his space.

With my anxiety, I feel a lot better here with J. J actually is a good pacifier, whereas B is company for misery and B and I actually click better on a general level. But B doesn't communicate her feelings well, so when she's upset like this I panic that I've done something.

Which I guess I have.

I don't know how to give her parents reasons why I'm moving out. I don't know how to stop B from being upset with me. Or upset at herself. I just want her to be happy.

But I know that I cannot stay at her house anymore. I will not heal at her house. Or be able to set up a good routine.

J is temporarily easier to live with.

I wish I could make B understand that I do still love her, I'm not picking our other friend over her. I don't want to hate hurt myself today.

 

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i'm quoting this because damn, if there is one sentence that summarizes my experience of depression, that's it. witnessing and *hugs* if you want it. i can't even imagine how stressful your living situation is. would B's parents be understanding if you explained J's place is quieter and you'd have more space to yourself? or that J just has a better setup for taking in another housemate? those are absolutely normal reasons to move out of even a living situation you enjoy.

also, you probably know this but it always bears repeating, i think: saying your depression is exacerbated by the actions of people around you is not "blaming others for your depression."

 

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jesus, dude

 

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Ok, so, I think that part of the phone-stress is, like you say, because you're feeling behind with the training and you don't have any resources (because honestly documents you don't understand don't count as resources). Buuut I think the reason why it's causing this much stress is Mr J. In isolation I don't think you'd be having this much trouble with it. Job = stress, pc = job = stress, mr J = stressstressstress, and all of these are in your home.

I... don't really have any solutions, aside from "get out" which I assume you would have done if it was viable, but I hope having an idea of why the calls are so anxiety-inducing kinda helps?

*offers hug*

 

Feeling like you don't know how to handle the thing would definitely cause some major stress. And this Mr J person definitely isn't helping. Is there any PM system in your work chat group? Could find a boss-type or someone who seems willing to listen and help to walk you through it. If it has 100s of people in it, and considering the type of job it is, there's prolly people in the group with issues similar to yours who might be willing to help.

If you think some of the reason you aren't getting it is your brainweird or personal learning style, is there someone you know who would get the stuff you're trying to learn and would be willing to translate it for you?

Sorry you're having a sucky time right now, dude.