Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

Hey, I know i feels awful to have to be doing the legwork around this but please reach out to one of your friends and at let them know you're having a bad time. It's very human to want and need attention, but I personally believe many ND and/or otherwise marginalized folks have trauma responses around asking for other people to make time and space for them. Sometimes you do need to directly come out and say, hey can you please make time for me, I'm feeling really bad rn.

Asking for something isn't manipulative.

 

Maybe, but my friends have brain issues of their own, and I don't want to have to wonder if they're spending time with me out of guilt or obligation because 'oh if I don't then Mute will feel bad', that'll do nothing for my brain. I've mentioned as much as I dare that I feel like I have nothing worth doing and feel useless/ even asked if there's anything I can help with around our disaster zone of a house, to no result.

 

My existence is so utterly pointless and empty, and at 28 I don't think there's any way it'll get better. If I was a naive 15 year old I'd think maybe I could find love, hope, happiness, a support network, a way out.

But I'm not a child. I'm an adult. And for most of us, the window of time closes. People draw a lot in life. I can't be useful, I can't be loved. I'm not especially socially skilled, or skilled job wise. I have a bad relationship with my family.

My left leg and fingers are going numb with intermittent pain. Great, more useless.

Speeding car almost hit me today, and I wish instead of moving I'd chosen to get hit.

 

Why do stupid, immature, fictional characters get everything I want and I don't?

 

I'm really tired and emotionally empty again and I have no idea whether it's my period, the weather getting colder, or my medication change, or all three. Either way I don't want to leave my bed.

 

Please remind me that the long-term effects of going to the gym will be different from the short-term effects, which are "still fat, also smelly and tired".

 

tfw the one person you've been dating since you were 19 is now moving in with your ex who hates you
and you feel at 28 you are for sure christmas cake and wasted the prime years of your life
and even a loving and normal relationship seems out of your grasp
i never expected my family relationships to get better, but I at least thought my partner of fuck, I guess 9-10 years would always be there for me
or hoped
or dreamed

and you have only 1 irl friend who is a workaholic who never likes to hear you complain about personal issues and thinks relationships are damned anyway so isn't the most sympathetic

and you are too old to ever restart your life in a meaningful way
and you don't have any great goal or plan to live for, nothing that truly brings you personal meaning

and you will die alone
and you will die alone
and you will die alone

Spoiler

I guess one thing I wish I could be in is a creative industry... but that's a doomed idea, especially at my age

 

Spoiler: weight

I was up crying all night because I put some weight back on, and I hate myself for caring that I did.

 

Spoiler: ED, weight, etc

Weight control program which I told about my various overlapping problems and told I would require actual therapy called me back offering a free Slimming World membership, which, even if it wasn't a bullshit scam and even if I wanted to spend my evenings exchanging recipes with middle-class mommies and explaining my weight to all and sundry, is a carb-heavy diet which is useless to a prediabetic. And they deadnamed me, despite my new name definitely being on my medical records.

 

@ChelG could you please spoiler weight and ED related things in the general vent thread, just as a basic courtesy? I have sympathy but i don't need having all my shit triggered without warning thanks

 

Sorry! Doing that now.

 

Thank you

 

Spoiler: abuse

Really bad nightmare about a screaming match with mother like we used to have when I was a teen, turning into her telling me she hated me and I was awful and then us exchanging physical violence, which never happened in real life but it felt really real at the time. I haven't even thought about how shitty we were to each other back then in a while and having it all come up again really sucks. Obviously I can't talk to her about it...

 

about to perhaps become a discord mod in the wake of Some Server Drama, let's see how this goes lmao

 

I thought the UK was more progressive than it actually is because I was going with my own experiences, which have been okay in that area, and it's becoming ever clearer that that's not the norm. It's disappointing, it's stressful because I don't know what I can do to help, and it's kind of making me feel fucked up because I'm luckier than 99% of the country and I'm still miserable?

 

A line from a webcomic which comes up in my head every time I'm self-hating and feels unpleasantly true: "your best is worse than everyone else's average".

 

My Spanish friend: so is anyone in your family spanish?
Me, being from the Philippines which had a 300 year occupation from spain: uh.


Anyway I'm pissed off I hate countries and I hate history I'm full of intense malice and rage about colonialism and imperialism and foreign occupation and also I'm full constant of vitriol, there will never be enough for this, long standing years of degradation, shame, and dehumanizatuon. Never enough.

 

Its taking a lot to not spit this shit back at them, they might not even fucking know. This is hell, hell to me.

 

Sooner or later my family are all going to die and I don't know what I'll do then.

 

Someone I thought my group was getting along with fine deleted all her entries for our co-writing and blocked us all on Tumblr. I tried to message her on Dreamwidth and she blocked me there too. I have no idea what we did to upset her, and now we're missing chunks of our story.