Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

Sometimes I have this weird urge to do something to cause irreversible damage to my body or my reputation or both just for a feeling of the other shoe being dropped. I can't be anxious about waiting for the worst to happen if it already has, even though logically other bad things could still happen. I kind of have similar thoughts on what has happened to me in the past; I feel like I would rather have gone through one big disaster or victimisation or something than having had my mental health chipped away an atom at a time by every time I got yelled at or picked on which would have passed without a problem if it only happened once. I know that isn't how life works, but still.

 

Spoiler: death

Technoblade died. the youtuber. sarcoma. caught fairly early, had excellent medical care, should have been a recovery story. the entire community is in shock. it still doesn't feel real.

I'm just so angry. he was a really good person. I never heard of a single person meeting him who didn't like him and want to be his friend. the whole community knew him and came out to support him en masse when the news he was sick first dropped. and he was damn good at what he did, too - he joked about it literally until the end, his last video script (read by his father) was written eight hours before he died. and he was fucking funny even when talking about his own cancer. it's not right that he should be gone when so many horrible people are alive right now.

 

My ferret is sick :(

 

This is a low stakes vent, but my mom wanted to go to hobby lobby the other day for yarn XD luckily we couldn't figure out how to get there because taking someone to spend money at that shitty place in MY CAR with MY GAS...

All big corps are evil but some are louder than others about it lmao

 

Feeling really shitty today, like everyone is mad at me and I don't know why, and I'm panicking a little. And I have no idea if people really are pissed at me or if it's my anxiety or if it's just my hormones making me feel awful but it is not fun

 

Spoiler: animal sickness

my cat has stage 4 kidney disease. the vet said "weeks to months" but once she gets to a certain point I'm having her put to sleep because I am not having her die as horribly as her mother.

I knew this was coming but man. I thought I had a couple more years at least. this fucking sucks.

she's OK right now, at least. low energy and very underweight but she doesn't seem to be in any pain or anything, just tired.

 

i am so sorry. it never gets any easier. i hope you get as much quality time with her as possible.

 

thank you

I just lost my childhood dog last year. kind of a rough 12 months. I'm just gonna focus on making her as comfortable and well cared for as possible for however long she has left.

 

Spoiler

it's so weird. I keep thinking "I hope she gets better soon," but I know she won't ever. and she doesn't know she's dying. she just knows that she feels tired and sick and that I'm doting on her more than usual. I've had pets die before, but this is the first time I've had this kind of advance knowledge of what's happening, and it's so strange.

it's so weird how we invite death into our lives with animals. I mean, it's kind of the same with people, but when we decide to adopt an animal, we know we're choosing to love someone who's going to die within our lifetime. but we do it anyway. I'm already thinking about how long I'll want to wait after Beans dies before I start thinking about heading down to the shelter.

 

Sometimes I’d like the response to “I want to do this thing in this way” to just be “ok”.

not why don’t you do it this other way

not well I don’t think that’s as efficient

not well I’ve already started doing it this other incompatible way without telling you

not even well are you sure you want to do it that way

just ok.



(This is a thing that primarily affects me btw)

 

Is there a negative opposite to dissociation/psychosis? Sometimes I think I'd feel better if I wasn't as solidly attached to what's really happening as I am.

 

Horrible day. Missed thing I wanted to go to because there are two places with the same name in the city and no one could direct me to either of them properly, completely out of money and almost couldn't pay for taxi to get back to approximate area I needed to be, TERFs are dogpiling my blog again, I can't find my brand new phone, and it's freezing :(

 

Have you looked into ocd? Not trying to armchair diagnose, just that obsessive attachment and being unable to sever that is pretty much the definition

 

I don't know if I have actual OCD but I have suffered really badly from intrusive thoughts before, so I show at least some symptoms.

 

I feel really alienated by a lot of both straight and queer media. I default to thinking of myself as female but would prefer to be neutral and identify sufficiently with men that excluding positive male characters from things makes me uncomfortable, I'm not heterosexual but I'm definitely uninterested in women, and I disagree with the idea which creeps into a lot of very left-wing media, especially RPGs, that all authority figures are consciously out to make people's lives harder, while the reason I disagree with that is that they don't need to be because they fuck it up without trying, so right-wing views are even more offensive to me.

 

I hate not knowing if someone's trying to hint that they don't want to talk to me by brushing off all attempts at conversation/ not responding to half and giving very short responses to the others, and they'd be happier if I fucked off- or if they're just not up for it that day and all other days for a myriad of possible reasons (which is perfectly fair and valid and I don't mind that)
and I hate most of all that I can't ask if they want me to bugger off because if they didn't dislike me beforehand, they sure will after, because I can't figure out any way of how to ask that doesn't read as intensely passive-aggressive, which is the last thing I want to do

 

Okay. Apparently everyone's blocked me. Whatevs.

 

having the most generalized anxiety. feel the emotions of anxiety but no cause to pin it too. just sorta tense in a broad, unfocused way. probably going to take a buspirone about this. (i received buspirone from a psych to take as an emergency med on occasion for panic attacks. this doesn't seem to be a typical use case for it but it seems to be working for that purpose so why not??)

 

Living room smells really bad. I think the ferrets are pooping somewhere I can't immediately find it so I have to dissect the whole room.

 

Spoiler: Parental abuse and maybe gaslighting?

Sooo my mom's doing another round of 'actually you're the one abusing me'

And the worst part is she roped my drama hungry aunt into it and now they're doing this whole Mean Girls thing where they make a big show of doing social things together and specifically telling me I'm not invited along

And my aunt tells my mom in earshot of me 'i just want to get you a few hours away from all this'

Things I did that are abusive:
1. The other day my mom said something homophobic and I pointed out it was homophobic
2. I said 'shush' once (apparently a great sin???)
3. I don't always make dinner and that's 'starving' her

Fuck my family