Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

I'm a two bit hack of an artist who constantly wants to get better but the energy it takes to draw is monumental. I either lose three days of myself to drawing in a frenzy of finally having energy, or tap slowly to manage any writing, and even then I don't feel satisfied. This is not as good as I can be, I am not on a plateau, and yet here I am being held in place by disability and I can't blame anyone but myself even if it's unrealistic.

"Not improving? Not getting things done? Totally my fault, I'm worthless."

 

cw depressing shit

Do you every just feel like the world is awful?

Like, utterly irredeemably horrible. Is it just me?

There's nothing good here, not really. It's a shitshow, and tbh I represent one of the shittier parts of the show.

Everyone is either miserable or fucking dying, the world is a a circus of death and dismay, why the fuck are any of us bothering?

 

Spoiler: tw something probably

i feel so gross and disgusting theres a layer of slime over me I'm a terrible daughter and a terrible person I just started bawling while doing the dishes i can't do anything i'm not worth anything i tried to stab myself in the leg but because my vision was blurry i grabbed a potato peeler instead of a knife. If that a bad sign? I don't know I always scratch myself and bite myself but never hard enough to break the skin that is the second time i've ever tried to make myself bleed and although i know that if someone else did it no matter what i would be worried but i am a terrible disgusting person i was just trying to get people to feel bad for me i just wanted to do something obviously orrying i'm manipulative and terrible but i would have had a knife in me, isn't that still bad? I don't know i feel gross i was fantasizing about being hit by a car because i just want sympathy i'm terrible, i'm a parasite, somebody should kill me and if i was a good person i would kill myself i'm so gross gross gross i can't do anything. these past few weeks i've barely even been feeding myself and i've bathed twice and i haven't slept and i need to keep the house clean because my arents are oth working and i won't even do that. i'm a drain on them and i'm a drain on everyone else they have to put up with my depressing shit they have to fcking be near me and smell my gross ass and look at me i want to hurt myself i'm s scared

 

After i made that post i took a shower, scratched myself all over, then cut off all my hair. My dad was worried, mom yelled at me to take a pill, dad started yellin at mom and they started arguing, they made me take one of the fuckig xanax or whatever. They're making me call the doctor tomorrow

 

Spoiler

things are very bad for my partner and I want to protect her* from everything but of course no one can do that, and definitely not me, and just, fuck, I wish I could do something rather than just sit here uselessly while the person I love so much is suffering so much and god damnit if nothing else I wish I could just hold her and keep her from being alone tonight, make sure she's safe and at least taking care of herself on a basic level
*partner has changed pronouns

 

I shouldn't hate them, but I do, and I do nothing about it because I don't wanna be That Guy.

 

I wish they understood how difficult everything is for me—how difficult it is to even get out of bed right now, how difficult it is to do something as small as copy-pasting symbols into their askboxes. I'm not trying to be a bad friend but everything is so hard sometimes and it's harder when I've convinced myself that they hate me.

If they knew that I found these things hard they probably would hate me, because their struggles are more real than mine and they're still a good friend.

I need to get out of bed. I can't spend another day lying here reading, and my mother will be angry with me. But I don't want to spend another day riding the buses back and forth until I'm allowed to come home, and staying here to read sounds so nice.

 

i have no idea what you want or why you're telling me things. you don't make as much sense as you think you do.

 

I can't do anything, but I can't help but worry anyway. If you lose your job, we can't save money or have a wedding and my Jon alone will barely cover rent and one car insurance payment out often two. Not even our phones together, food, gas or insurance.

Even if you don't lose your job, this shouldn't still be happening. You have a CPAP machine. It works, I've seen it. But you fall asleep uncontrollably during the day and can't sleep until four am and isnt this possibly narcolepsy or that adjusted sleep disorder? I don't know how to help because you literally can't wake up no matter what and it freaks me out, thinking you're going to have an accident or fall asleep at work and wakeup fired or get kicked out of a gaming organization because you slept through a major playtest and I hate feeling helpless but I can't fix this foryou

 

RP DRAMAZ HO

SCREAMING INTO THE ABYSS I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID "WELL IT'S NOT REALISTIC YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT BY NOW" WHEN THE TNIRE SITE PREMISE IS REALISM YOU ESHKLTSDLF:JLSKD:SDJLS

SCREAMING SLASH LAUGHING SLASH CRYING I CANNOT DEAL

I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS

YOU ACTUALLY SAID THAT "FIGHTS AREN'T REALISTIC HERE" WHEN YOU ARE ONLY A FEW MONTHS OLD AND PEOPLE ARE SAYING THEY DON'T THINK YOU'RE FIGHTING IS ACCURATE/PLAUSIBLE AND THE ENTIRE PREMISE IS WE ARE AS REALISTIC AS POSSIBLE

BURIES FACE IN A DOGPILE OF CHARACTERS, MUFFLED SHRIEKING COMMENCES

i had to scream somewhere they wouldn't see this is so petty but OH MY GOD you DID NOT but yoU DIDJIIIIISFNKGHJKD please resume your things actually worth venting about while i scream in my freezer corner

 

Hey Kay! Guess what!

what is it, Kay?

the most fundamental concept of your chosen career, the foundation, the very cornerstone of your art?

uh huh?

YOU'VE BEEN DOING IT WRONG SINCE YOU STARTED. Not only that but you've been doing it in a way that almost certainly could damage you!

oh.

NOT TO MENTION you literally can't feel when it's right, only when it's wrong!

great.

BUT HERE'S THE KICKER

go on

YOU CAN'T REASON THROUGH THIS ONE AND JUST 'GET THE RIGHT ANSWER', BUDDY FRIEND PAL O' MINE! ain't no way you can cogitate an unconscious process! You're gonna have to throw yourself at the problem until you find the solution based on REPETITION of LUCK-BASED SUCCESS and you'll never really know!

well. ...shit.

And did I mention that that's one of your deepest, most insidious fears? Oh, I didn't? WELL SURPRISE!! Didn't you know your passion involved GIVING UP CONTROL?

I may have had an inkling.

Congratulations on finding the CRUX of it! have fun fighting your denizen, BY THE WAY IT'S YOU, YOU'RE THE DENIZEN, NOT EVEN A MIRROR YOU BUT ACTUALLY YOU. YOU YOURSELF. THE YOUEST OF YOU. THE YOU YOU'VE BUILT AND MAINTAINED AND CHERISHED. THE ONE YOU BELIEVE IS WHO YOU'RE MEANT TO BE. have fun storming the castle!

fuck this bullshit I want a new classpect.

 

I am with you there.
I got super sick and always promised I would quit whenever I got sick again ...
50-something hours in and I FEEL YOU BRUH.

 

Also, @Kaylotta ...

All the *hug*s. You've got this. I believe in you.

 

...You want my opinion. I gave it. Then you don't follow it, and not only did you not follow it, you're reasoning was that I'm a bitchy flake therefore untrustworthy, therefore you went AND DID THE THING you wanted an opinion on whether it was a good idea or not.

And now claim I need to apologize to you for victim blaming you?

Bitch, wut?

 

I hate it when something that is supposed to be inclusive and make people happy makes me feel excluded and sad :(

 

I already didn't feel safe around my family, and now they're sharing more and more things that just strike such a strong "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" note in my mind that I'm terrified to be anywhere near them. I'm so glad we live far away but j f c it's such big things that I'm not even sure I can talk to Nate about them. He'd wind up so worked up and angry that it wouldn't be worth it. It's not just fear at this point, it's revulsion.

My life means so little to you, yet you want me to call you my parents.

I'd rather stick with the abusive dead ones, thank you.

 

(before I start my freezer screaming - @Kaylotta I am a little too familiar with the emotional toll of music-performance injuries due to bad technique, so if you need to talk to someone who has been there, albeit with an instrument, MT inbox is open)

*deep breaths*

I am going to flat-out murder SOMETHING whyyyyyy is my moirail so completely incapable of self care? How much of this is him not taking care of himself bc self-hate issues (known problem)? How much is his wife and in-laws manipulating him into putting his needs last (also a known problem)? There's no way to know if he DOESN'T FUCKING TALK TO ME. And when he does, very rarely, want to bring up issues, the Unreliable Narrator problem is so bad I still have no idea what's going on. Of course everything LOOKS like he chose it voluntarily, that's how manipulation works.

He's destroying his life in ways he won't be able to fully recover from and he still won't talk to me and I don't even know why I'm here.

 

remembers I was suicidal last night which means my latest depressive slump is probably still around

haha oh no wonder coworkers probably keeping asking if I'm okay I am probably way less normal-acting than I think I am

note to self you are never as good at hiding your emotional well-being as you think you are if people are picking up on it maybe you should take a little break

 

Yesterday was just. Bad. Woke up full of energy and then suddenly around 3pm I crashed. Like, very tired, limbs were shaky. Had to lie down and missed class the second day in a row. I wanted to go but I wouldn't have gotten down my stairs without falling over probably.

Don't know if it's mental or physical. I'd eaten & drank beforehand. Napped for a while on and off and then ate again, make myself drink a lot, took my pills, felt a bit better over time but was shaky and tired the whole night. Better today but still feel a bit weak.

Is this pms? Vitamin deficiency (because I forgot my pills for 2 days?) Malnutrition? All in my head? I don't know. This only happens maybe every other month. Usually if I'm getting dehydrated I get a headache that warns me, there was none of that. I just suddenly felt bone tired and weak, like I'd worked out a lot except without any ache, just the fatigue.

Spoiler: self deprecation

I usually don't talk about my shit self esteem because like basically everything else about myself, I'm ashamed of it. And it feels horribly manipulative because I simultaneously want people to comfort and reassure me, but I don't believe the positive things they say about me. I don't know how to handle compliments. It just seems wrong. I'm a flake who can't get anything done in a timely manner and I'm always disappointing everyone around me.

I was relying a lot on the idea that I'd get adhd meds and suddenly become functional and productive even tho I knew that was stupid but it was SOMETHING to look forward to after years of self doubt and misery and now it's just uncertain.

Spoiler: orlando

feels extra selfish but I found out about the shooting on my birthday and my family expected me to be perky and happy and I just wanted to be alone. And when I got upset about it my dad's response was "you're sensitive like your mother so you should do what she does and not pay attention to the news."

HE KILLED PEOPLE LIKE ME JUST FOR EXISTING. I HAVE TO BE AWARE OF THAT. EVEN IN A LIBERAL STATE I CAN BE IN DANGER. DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT MY SAFETY!?

.... I know he cares, he's just awkward at best about showing it and too white cis straight dude self centered to actually change.

.....I know he's also probably either adhd or on the spectrum but undiagnosed, but he really can't grasp how despite us being "alike" in personality, being afab makes certain things harder for me.

 

@Kaylotta seconding open inbox because oh boy music technique is. why.

I just want to find someone who's okay enough to support me and scream about everything until it's okay and I can get comfort.

But of course one cannot because everyone is always dealing with their own business.

Is that what being an adult is? Trying to be there for everyone else and never feeling able to find support yourself? I guess it can't be, that sounds like distorted thinking, I just. Blaaaargh.

I wish I had a magic wand and could solve everyone's problems.