Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

My GOD it must be fucking NICE to be so wealthy and entitled and able to do whatever the fuck you want to do whenever the fuck you want to do it. It must be SO FUCKING NICE to NEVER have to worry about money EVER.

Spoiler: Family Drama

Context:

My biological family is poor. We lived paycheque to paycheque my entire growing up. We calculated and saved for any extra trips, and we did okay - but things were tight, and decisions were Big, and and travelling was a Big Deal.

My adopted family is rich. My older sister (who grew up in this family) flies from EU to Canada at least two (sometimes three) times a year on 'company money' (my dad owns the company, my brother-in-law works for the company) ... she just did a massive trip that cost enough for HER to say "it was really expensive" ... so, very different worlds.

Event:

My biological mother has requested to come visit in March - in our church, Mothering Sunday is the second week of March this year, and it coincides with March Break. My sister is stuck on Why THAT Sunday and I'm like ... "because it's a week off that she doesn't have to BOOK off, and because she's not gonna spend $500+ to only visit for two days [sister interjects: but I would, to visit my kid; and I refrained from responding something along the lines of "that's nice, must be nice to have enough money for that...], so ... it makes sense.

More Context:

Adopted mom is very very 'aloof', and very ... quiet ... and very ... workaholic and won't commit to things and I'm sure she notices the effect things have on people but she's ...

Heh. Never mind. This whole post is now pointless.

Adopted dad, in a text to me ... "when [work/company event] is done, off to [EU] to rest and enjoy holidays and family!" ... and then "When we are back in January, it would be great if you can visit Mom".

Thanks, dad, for acknowledging yet again the fact that I'm not really family, and will never be family, and should stop caring that I won't see you at all between now (November fucking 18th) and January fucking whatever because I DON'T MATTER.

Fine. I remove myself from the family. I'LL BE MORE LONELY BUT AT LEAST IT WON'T FUCKING HURT SO MUCH.

 

I am an unmoving, unfeeling, emotionless mass when I want to be and usually on average. I drift from place to place and task to task with little connection, feeling, or interaction with others.

Poke me in just the right way when I'm not expecting it however, usually with people being angry at me or disappointed at me when I was trying to be nice/trying to do the things you do when you're being nice to get the positive reactions because being a dick is generally frowned upon and extremely counterproductive.. and I will in fact cry like a little bitch.

Guess what I've done twice tonight on account of text having limited to no tone and being completely unable to get clarification from a friend I'm fairly sure I upset. CCCCC:

 

Spoiler: vent about smoking tobacco

listen like.
smoking isnt cool.
its an addiction.
my boyfriend has literally dug around in a fountain for quarters to buy cigarettes bc his diabetes does weird shit while withdrawal happens, so he tries to stave it off.
he smokes a pack a day. his brand is about 6 bucks. thats roughly 180 a month literally on cigarettes.
hes 22. type one diabetic. he shouldnt smoke, yeah.
but he doesnt have the privilege to take time off work to safely monitor himself while his levels go whack to properly quit.
when hes stressed he pushes a pack and a half a day. his parents are struggling like fuck to meet bills so hes gotta work as much as he can and have the impending dread of learned helplessness with his shitty job.
a pack and a half a day is 270 a month.
its a vicious cycle and he cant get out and i see him struggling.
stop making your character "cool".
it isn't cool.

fuck like. i cannot believe im this worked up about cigarettes in fiction.

 

Sometimes i think about my age and how much time i have lost and how I'm going nowhere with my life and it gets really really hard to not feel suicidal

 

I didn' think I'd get to be 26 when I was younger, and I especially didn' think I'd be an unemployed college dropout

Im trying to get into medicine but it' hard and... I'll be old. I'l be so old. I cannot stop envying the teenagers in my college entrance exams preparatory classes just because they are teens. Even if I get to school soon... which is unlikely... There there are people my age with a master's. I have wasted my life....

 

So Like, why should I even be alive. Theres no reason to still be alive.

 

@witchknights Sometimes I also feel really daunted, like how do I even start doing anything important when so many people have started so much younger. But I keep discovering that most of those younger people also have exactly 0% of their shit together even if they look like the very image of Shiny Happy People. There’s no one right way to get life done, and if there were I certainly hope it wouldn’t have a cut off age.

I’m really sorry you’re not in a good place. Are you in danger?

 

@Verily I don't know. I don't think I am cause husband's here and all that, but I can't talk about that with him (he's in a similar situation and i don't want to feed his brainbugs) but i am having a shit month and just really wanna hurt myself all the time

thanks for worrying

 

Spoiler: food poisoning

i hate food poisoning, I’ve had it twice in the past month and I don’t know why, both of the things I ate should have been JUST FINE one was from a fancy restaurant and one I made myself from 90% frozen ingredients so why the fuck did I need to shove it all back up my esophagus 4 hours later, I just want to go to sleep but I can’t risk shitting the goddamn bed

 

Spoiler

it.....very well might not be food poisoning? i would try to check if u have any hidden intolerances or allergies ;___; feel better friend

 

Spoiler

I don’t think it’s an allergy - I considered it, but the only common element between the two meals was rice and I’ve eaten that multiple times recently and been fine. I do feel better this morning tho! Thank u :’)

 

I HAVE A MIGRAINE THAT HAS THE FUCKING VISUAL EFFECT AND I'M SUPPOSED TO BE READING PAPERS FOR A CLASS AND WRITING DISCUSSION QUESTIONS THAT ARE DUE AT 7 AND I CAN'T FRICKIN SEE AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

let's both focus really hard and try to trade; I got a migraine without visual effects but I'm home sick so I don't have to see

 

love being a dumb bitch and hurting people. love it

 

especially love being a dumb bitch and hurting people over stupid petty shit

 

I think everyone hurts someome at some point or another. It doesn't mean you're dumb or a bitch.

 

... never really thought about what it would be like to not have the awkward line between biological mom and adopted mom ... the awkward "who do you love more, Niels" and "who do you want around more, Niels" and ...

suddenly that all kinda changes when the biological mom has cancer.

suddenly all the awkward "shit how do I choose between this" doesn't matter anymore. I want to go back. I want to fix things sooner. I want to be a better kid for her.

but I can't.

I'm sorry, mom.

 

Even in the times when I really don't want to die, I resent my uncle who killed himself because I feel he took the choice to do so away from me.

 

some youtubers i've followed for literal Years now might be losing their old dog soon. apparently he stopped being able to move his hind legs earlier all at once and they have to give him an MRI (he's got bad hips and old problems from being in a car accident when he was like. 3-4), but he's also a heart patient so it's risky on top of his age. and depending on how that goes he might be having surgery on the 25th, also risky.

I've never met these people yet, they were in places I wasn't and our schedules never matched up, but i take a lot of inspiration from them and they've entertained me for a long time. I've bonded with a pet I've never met and I'm gonna be so sad if/when he dies. i've never had something like this happen to me before, I don't.. really bond this way with things at a distance. but here i am, wibbly over the idea.

:C if i ever get a pupper of that breed someday, i wanna give him the same name as an homage, same as we'd name any little red dog we get Valerie after Nate's old doggy who passed.

 

you ever just get hype as fuck about a fic and start writing one night during a manic swing and then just can't fucking look at it anymore twenty hours later.
heartbreak