Vent Walk-in freezer (general-purpose vent thread)

Phone touchscreen barely works and browser keeps turning off randomly and I hate it.

 

I'm so stressed that my head wont shut up and I just wanna cry randomly!!! Fuck!!! This is not good for my cool detached cold-hearted bitch woman image

 

Also I just wanna!!! Buy shit!!! Spend money!!!

 

I want out of this family and out of this state! I'm sick of living around people that have their head shoved so far up their own behind that they can't even fathom that someone that is different or thinks different then you is reserving of the same respect as you.

 

My mom has spent all day repeatedly admonishing me for not having finished grad school applications yet and not having a job, and chastising me for "acting like I'm on summer vacation". Then, when I tell her what I have accomplished, she chastises me for not having done it sooner. She always acts like the things I do are because she took the initiative, and that I'm incapable of doing things unless she constantly berates me about not having done them yet, which makes my anxiety about Doing Things even worse. And when I tell her this, she tells me that I should have already scheduled therapy.

The problem is, to schedule anything or make any kind of decision that involves insurance, driving, or money, I have to go through her, and she constantly brushes me off when I ask about planning things. I'm only allowed to plan things when it's convenient for her, and if I need to take some time to think over what I'm doing, that means it's no longer convenient for her and I'm lazy.

I feel like I have to maintain this illusion of constantly doing Work(tm).... which means I never get time to do the creative activities that give me the mental stability I need to actually get other things done. And she doesn't believe I'm capable of managing myself, so telling her that makes her shut down my attempts to do other things even harder. I end up tooling around on the internet instead because actual working feels so totally hopeless that I don't put any effort in when I do do it, which is a self-destructive behavior.

This has been going on for so long that it's basically a burned-in pattern; even when I'm totally on my own (ex. living in a dorm, left alone for the weekend) I act that way. I want to break down and sob because I don't know how I'm ever going to get out of the house to get a chance to break the cycle.

 

i never feel like i have any right to be angry. like everything i feel put out about is petty bullshit. which, some of it is, yeah, but if literally any other person got miffed at their coworkers not putting tools back where they got them from i wouldn't immediately decide they're a horrible person who ought to curl up somewhere unobtrusive and quietly starve to death. being petty isn't a fucking crime, goddammit.

and i get mad at myself for getting mad, and then mad at myself for getting mad at myself for getting mad, like what kind of bullfuckery. it just makes everything worse when i can't get mildly irritated at my boss for assuming that i made a mistake that i definitely would not make and did not in fact make without getting caught in a spiral.

it's maybe not reasonable to feel insulted that my boss thinks i'd make two things I've made a billion times before, clean one but not the other when i had to talk to him twice to clarify that what i was able to do with the available parts was an acceptable solution so the fucker knows i wasn't being careless enough to make a basic ass mistake, but i'm allowed to be. it didn't even last long, it wouldn't have been anything but a momentary irritation if i hadn't gotten caught up in how i'm not allowed to be irritated in the first place. i know it's nothing, i know that. i don't need to beat myself up over having an inconvenient emotion.

and i can't fucking talk. i make it out like it's a choice, but i can't fucking string coherent words together without panicking, and that's a fucking problem. it's not a choice, i wanna talk about shit so bad i knocked myself out of a bad mood just imaging holding a conversation, like. it's a fucking problem. i'm not in control here, doing shit i wanna do because i like it. i'm a stupid goddamned mess.

 

Hey local Walmart could you perhaps not have your condoms lube and pregnancy test shelf facing the pharmacy desk? Because I already have anxiety about things, I don't need to think perhaps the pharmacy techs are judging me for getting a pregnancy test while wearing sweatpants .

Eta: not pregnant. V pleased with this development .or lack thereof I guess?

 

partner thinks therapist isnt doing their job right. therapist thinks partner isn't being accommodating enough. me in the middle resentful that im the only one doing work in therapy and also terrified that im not working hard enough to change and not knowing where the hell the line is

wanting to talk to someone else for perspective but feeling like I'd just be burdening any of my friends with it all on top of their own problems

 

me: goes to therapist to talk about anxiety caused by election results
me: but what if she votes for the Bad Candidate

 

food aversion has been really bad for the last few months. but unlike before, my body now seems to care if i get under 1000 calories in a day, and gives me waves of crippling exhaustion and two-week colds
im kind of alarmed about feeding myself with the spoonlack and food aversion and im pretty upset w myself for struggling so much with such a basic function

 

God this is petty as fuck but it still eats at me so much, I wish I had a slur I could "reclaim" the way lesbians have "dyke". About the only one I'd have access to is "retarded" and I really don't think I want to associate with that.

Actually I wish I had any cool labels/cultural Things at all. I hate being nothing.

 

i just wish i could help people without ruining everything.

 

Spoiler: will delete if wanted

fwiw i don't think you ruined everything. there's a productive, if strained, discussion happening now. the method of the thing being bought to the surface wasn't ideal, but you handled everything gracefully once it was pointed out and that's the opposite of ruining everything, imo.

 

I fucked up again and now a Discord thinks I'm a creeper because I went off on a tangent about awful shit happening to kids in the dystopian setting. It was on the board marked "dark" so I thought it was okay but a mod called it "concerning" and now everyone thinks I'm an awful person and I don't know how to convincingly explain that's not my kink :(

 

Okay, think it's okay. I explained I have autism and a lack of filter, and I went into horror mode.

 

They probably don't care but I still feel like utter shit and don't wanna go back, but I feel if I don't go back I'll look even worse.

Edit: Okay, I went back, and it's fine. Good. Phew. Nice people.

 

feeling gayer and lonelier than usual tonight

 

My father in law is the worst he only ever hurts my husband and I wish he could just fucking stop

 

I'm so goddamn pissed

 

I just had a friend casually say that his parents used to swear at and threaten him, and I don't want to upset him or probe into his personal life but I kinda want to get across to him that this is not healthy. I don't really know what to do.