Weight, health, food, and bodies [TW]

Which is funny, because the not knowing these kinds of things is why I became a vegetarian in the first place.

 

I think it's a mixture of loose company policy not being properly explained to their employees and minimum wage employees (rightfully) not reading up on their field off the clock to do more than the stuff they are paid for.
Sooo basically better information chains and making sure policy is adhered to might make it easier on EVERYONE to field awkward questions about allergens, and will prevent having to remake stuff.

 

god. hello. this thread was made for me.

i used to be thin in high school. i also didn't eat the sandwiches i packed myself for lunch. i gained weight my freshman year of college (that was probably needed) and the next year started on really disordered eating while my other mental health issues went crazy. then i went abroad and was basically malnourished. and then i got put on drugs that made me gain 50 pounds!

i'm 10 pounds below my heaviest right now and i'm not happy about it. i want off the drug that makes me retain weight. i want to eat healthy but i've been so stressed that getting myself to eat without making myself sick is a struggle. it takes a lot of spoons for me to stay on the diet i want and i simply don't have that kind of energy.

i want to look like the person i was in high school again. and it's not going to happen because getting on that med made me hit my tit-based growth spurt.

 

1) My scale is shitty and inaccurate, my weight changes depending on where I center myself.

2) I've got bio things that sporadically give me further inaccuracy. (Hey guess what your innards hate you, have an extra two mystery pounds because, fuck, I dunno, it's Tuesday.)

With this factored in I'm still gaining weight lately. Not a lot, but enough that I have Dear Old Mom muttering in my head again.

I'm getting visible muscle now, and I'm trying to tell myself it's that ("Muscle is heavier than fat!" and all) but the Brain Bees won't leave me alone :( Help?

 

as I mentioned in a previous post, I gained a lot of weight my previous major depressive episode. Since then I just have not had the spoons to deal with managing my food/exercise levels. I've always had weight problems, but for awhile I managed to get myself in a body/weight level I was really happy at. Thankfully I am not that dysphoric in my daily life (I used to have really bad issues with my body growing up) but I fucking hate what I look like in photos. I know on a logical level the camera distorts what you look like but holy crap seeing myself in a mirror or just looking down at my body it looks like the camera adds a lot more than 10 pounds (maybe just unflattering angles?) and it fills me with a ridiculous amount of self loathing.

I feel like I know I am going to be a lot happier with the way I look and more importantly my body is going to be a lot healthier when I lose about 40 pounds. I am technically supposed to lose a lot more than that for a healthy BMI but I legitimately have a large frame/big bones so the weight I am shooting for is only about 10 pounds overweight for my body type. (I am aiming for this particular weight even though it's not in the "ideal" range since it was the one I was easily able to maintain for a long time with a diet and exercise level I was comfortable with and without the massive spoon vortex of calorie counting)

You know it's funny, as soon as I entered public school kids would pick on me for being "fat" so it became a self fulfilling prophecy because I went outside and played less and ate more as a soothing stim but looking back on my older pictures of me as a young child I wasn't actually fat? I was just big. Even without a lot of fat all the kids looked like twigs standing next to me because I was taller and wider than them. For awhile even I was taller than my older brother. Even now that I am average height I am wide and built like a cinder block.

 

Today on Bizarre Body Image Shit: clothes with tied/cinched waists make me feel imperceptibly more and more uncomfortable until an hour after putting them on I'm like "where did all this self-loathing come from"

Also my eldest sister has come to stay, and she's gained a lot of weight since I saw her last, and I've lost a noticeable amount. So now we're both staying in our parents' house (with all the baggage that implies) and cooking and eating and everything, and it's even more complicated because she has no money and is really untidy, and I'm trying not to mix up the frustration from buying her food and cleaning up after her with bullshit societal weight shit and it's really difficult.

So I came to take it out on you guys instead of her. :L

 

So I'm usually okay... Ish? With my weight. I mean it basically hasn't changed since junior high iirc, and I eat like shit because no spoons. Like most of the time I want to try and eat healthier, maybe lose a little weight just because I /do/ have a little bit of a tummy and squishy sides, but it's not really so much of an issue to me that I tend to go out of the way to try and change things except in the summer when it's a little easier because fresh fruits and veggies are in season and its salad weather.

Well! The new anti-depressant/anxiety thing I'm on has killed my appetite. Seriously, I ate one real meal yesterday and that was because I reminded myself that I really should. So I've lost like 5 pounds since I started taking it a month ago. I'm.. Not really sure if I should be, but I'm kind of excited about that fact. I like the fact that I've lost a little weight, and that I don't always wanna snack. It's actually a side effect that I hope sticks around.

 

make sure you still eat something, and maybe familiarise yourself with how low blood sugar presents in yourself? I know when I don't have an appetite I still get fatigue/headaches/crying jags/etc from low blood sugar, and learning how to recognise that and how to fix it is pretty useful. (I'm not trying to erase the point of your post, just wanted to pass on things I have learnt from things that killed my appetite.)

 

Please also keep in mind that losing too much weight too fast is dangerous. Losing weight when you're at a healthy weight already can also be bad. Keep an eye on it, and if you keep losing weight see a doctor.

Also keep in mind that you can permanently fuck up your metabolism by eating too little.

 

uuugh I think I an starting to care about myself, but am at the level of caring to hate myself and my body and how my clothes look on me and feel guilty when I don't eat something healthy for me every single meal. Not enough to actually feel any positive emotions towards myself.

 

Little late, but 5 pounds in roughly a month is really not anything to worry about? Healthy weight loss rates are generally 1-2 pounds a week, and that falls right in there. I am a healthy weight but kind of on the edge of it if you're going by bmi(which is a stupid scale ik) so losing a little is not going to hurt especially since like I said I do have extra fat that I really don't need. Also I have yet to notice any low blood sugar issues either.

 

@Alska as I said, keep an eye on it. Healthy weight loss is 1-2 pounds a week, but that's a guideline for people who are actively trying with exercise and diet changes. Weight loss because you simply aren't eating enough is something to be watched carefully - and yes, you can screw up your metabolism from 'just' eating once a day and only losing a little weight.

It's not something to panic over, but it's not actually a great thing.

 

[I went looking for annoying things and now I'm annoyed. What a totally unforeseeable outcome.]

The NHS website has a BMI calculator. It asks for you height, weight, age, sex, and activity levels, and then spits out your BMI and a recommended daily kC range. This seemed to me like a surprisingly nuanced calculation. I mean, asking for activity levels? That's almost like not pulling a random Judgement Number out of the air.

Anyway, I did science, and it turns out if you're "healthy weight" or "underweight", it doesn't bother to ask for your activity level, and it doesn't give you a recommended kC intake. Because activity level only matters if you're fat, and all fat people are trying to lose weight.

 

aaaargh that is so terrible.

(also shockingly recommended daily intakes also rely on things like metabolism!! and other medical conditions! and build!! almost as if you cannot just standardise everyone!)

 

so i'm fat and depressed.

i've gained probably around 30-40 lbs in the past 2-ish years. rough estimate because i don't weigh myself regularly, it makes me too depressed. i'm just guessing.

funnily, i've actually probably had better mental health these past 2 years because i'm away from shitty family. still depressed, but not in the way i used to be. but of course moving out means i eat worse because my spoons are always low and i'm in a position where if i need to eat but can't make myself cook that i can eat something unhealthy from take out or whatever.

but i'm at a point now where i'm getting frequent knee pain, which i know the weight possibly caused or at least is not helping. i'm also having gradually more and more trouble doing things that i normally could do, and would like to still be able to do, like walking around places all day without making frequent rest stops, and so on.

so i do want to lose weight. unfortunately of course i have massive amounts of depression and baggage tied in with my body image, my health, things like diet and exercise. i can't at all view these things as 'good' or 'fun', they all feel like punishments and even doing good things for myself by eating something healthier sends me into a self loathing spiral. because i had fad diets shoved at me by my abusive mom, she always talks about my weight whenever i have the misfortune of seeing her, i grew up being taught to loathe myself, and while she always yelled about how i needed to exercise anytime i took initiative on that sort of thing i was guilted and shamed about it. so. i have a hard time.

and i'm incredibly frustrated that i have a hard time. because i'd really like to be healthier. i'm at a state where i think to myself that even if i didn't actually lose any weight at all, but built up health and muscle, that even that would feel better to me. i know that thin isn't always healthy and i'd rather be fat and healthy than thin and not healthy. but i can't figure out healthy changes that work for me.

again, i have hardly any spoons most days. the idea of prepping an elaborate meal is a nightmare most days. i could maybe do that once or twice a week tops, for one meal only. the rest of the time i need something i can throw together and cook in some easy way like microwaving or boiling or baking. of course pretty much any 'resource' online is elaborate and disgusting looking health food. everything is vegan and made out of chia seeds and sorrow. and all the advice basically boils down to 'radically change your life! us neurotypical and mostly able bodied people did it, so why can't you?' and it's depressing and stressful.

exercise is another beast all together. our apartment complex theoretically has a small gym, but it's outside of the complex in its own small building that i'd have to leave the house and walk to and if nobody wanted to come with me i'd have to get keys from somebody for the pass to get in and out and my brain just short circuits on trying to figure it out. but within our actual apartment options are of course limited, i have zero clue what i could do inside, we don't really have any exercise equipment other than a cycle that i'm pretty sure is just entirely dead. and the things like going for a walk outside i feel like i can barely do much with because of my bad knee and leg. and what i can do when it comes to walks just doesn't feel like it's 'good enough'. and i always feel like i should be hitting the gym and doing the treadmill and also doing weight lifting but ?? i don't know. i don't think with my mental health i'd really be able to go there enough at all. and maybe even just trying my best to take a good walk once a day will at least be sort of okay.

idk what the point of this was i'm just at a loss i guess. if anybody here has any idea of low spoons healthy things to eat that aren't just 'eat fruit constantly' it'd help. or exercises i could do around the house.

 

@Aniseed if you can manage more work once a week, perhaps cooking a big batch of something to freeze would be a good strategy for you. how do you feel about chili? imo it's one of the dishes that 'ages' best, and frankly tastes better at least a day after it's made. (although admittedly it's not really chili weather where i am right now) divvy it up into tupperware and freeze, and then you've got something that only needs to be nuked for you to have a meal. enchiladas also take well to freezing (you can even get a roast chicken/pre-cooked chicken slices to reduce the number of spoons you need to expend on them).

 

the problem is we lack freezer space right now. we might be moving in a few months and have access to more space and i'm already planning on getting a chest freezer though, because it'd be awesome to cook in bulk and also buy in bulk so i have to go shipping less..

 

I was gonna suggest substituting stair walking for gym-type exercise but with your knee i dunno how good an idea that is? Might seem goofy but walking up and down the stairs a lot is way more exercise than walking the same amount on even ground, so maybe that would convince your brain that you are doing a good for yourself and not "too little"?

 

@Aniseed Sympathy. I know from personal experience how hard it is to pick exercise back up, and dealing with food after growing up with tons of baggage around dieting and how your body looks and related shit. It's really rough to deal with!

Fun fact: it's better for you to exercise and eat 'junk' food than it is to not exercise at all. Sure, optimally you'd be cooking for yourself and eating what's healthiest for you, but right now you're in a place where you need to prioritize - and regular exercise is probably going to be the easiest and most effective thing to add.

From personal experience I can tell you that walking is perfectly good exercise, and it's a very safe option for someone picking exercise back up. Maybe look into getting a cane while your knee is giving you trouble? My knee problems are from something different but a cane has been an absolute lifesaver for me for being able to get out and take walks. You can get not-fancy ones for pretty cheap, and you can decorate them all up with stickers! If you can find a walking buddy, that also helps a lot; just having someone to be out with makes it easier to go do.

For in-home, equipment free exercise that will be knee friendly, google 'body weight exercises' or 'physical therapy (bodypart)'. So long as you have floorspace, you have options!

Finally, I can't recommend The Fat Nutritionist and Shapely Prose highly enough. Those two sites have helped me so, so much in dealing with my body and eating issues. I've still got a lot of issues to deal with, but I'm at a way better place now than I was in the time before I discovered them.

Remember, you don't have to change everything all at once. You don't have to be an athlete right off the bat either - ten minutes of exercise is better than zero. Be kind to yourself.

 

@Mercury Thank you for the resources. it's hard to find things on my own without stumbling into stuff that's really shaming and just makes me want to give up. I've generally just been trying to take even the garbage that I do eat and to eat a bit less of it than I normally would, I might just try to continue with that and at least try to mix in more cooked meals and maybe get a multivitamin or Ensure or something.

For exercise I'll just try to get in a nice longer walk once a day, just to the point where I get tired and need to come back in. I already have to take my dogs out for a walk just to get them to do their bathroom business since this is an apartment, and I may as well just drop take one of them out with me for that. My pup's a little pudgy too, so it'd be good for her.

@IvyLB Stairs are a bit too rough on my knee yeah. The ones here are oddly steep, which makes it even harder on me. I'm also just not entirely sure what it is exactly that is going on with my knee.. I've heard things like the elliptical being better for joints than a treadmill or just plain walking is, but I actually can't do the elliptical without feeling intense terror that my knee is going to pop out of its socket, because it certainly feels like it's going to, while a walk around will at most just make me hurt and maybe limp for a while.