Update Two: Depression Boogaloo I called my therapist (who I haven't seen in six months because I've been doing better) and he said he would get back to me later that night about a time for an appointment. This was Friday. Still no word from him. Also I had a fit of unreasonable anger during a smoke break and punched a brick wall. And now the last two knuckles on my dominant hand are all purple and swelling up. So that's fun. I am a successful and functional human being!
Not broken, apparently. Just badly bruised. Not even sure why I got so angry in the first place. I mean, I understand being upset about all the shit that's going on, but I'm not normally a "get angry and punch walls" kind of person.
Updaaaaaaate. Just heard from my therapist. Got an apointment tomorrow. Crisis averted. Also today is "think of everything you've done wrong: this is why you lost your job, this is why she broke up with you, you worthless trash asshole" day.
I'm just offering stuff that works for me here, but when my brain does stuff like that I like to think of one potential answer for each problem (i.e. 'this job didn't work out because x reason, so I will try to do y thing instead next time'). It doesn't have to be a perfect answer, or an immediate fix, just any little small beginning step for dealing with things. Then any time after that your brain brings up the thing again, immediately cut it off mid-sentence with 'nope, already looked into that one.' 'But-' Nope. Asked and answered, move on, find a new issue or shut up.' Repeat as necessary. It doesn't really stop it, but it gives me more traction to push it back with. Because if it keeps going after you already thought of something constructive, then you know it's not really something that you should be focusing on, it's just your brain apparently getting jealous of other organs and deciding to try out being a total dick for a while.
That's pretty similar to what I spend about 90% of my brainpower doing on any given day. Usually it works. Or at least helps. But today has been really, really bad for no apparent reason. I was doing fine last night and now I'm alternating rapidly between "trying not to hide in the bathroom crying" and "trying not to chuck the copy machine out the 35th floor window in a fit of rage". So far I've avoided doing both but I'm not sure I'm gonna make it till 5:30.
Good luck on avoiding those. >: Anything nice you can do for yourself now (cup of tea? stretches? angrily sip water*) or once you get home? *the distraction of cold water/ice water helps restart my brain sometimes
Well, I took an extra smoke break, which I'm really not supposed to do but I leave in three days anyway. That kind of helped. When I get home after my hour long commute, some minecraft will probably cool me off.
Boy oh boy! I sure do love dragging my useless fucking corpse out of bed every morning at six thirty and forcing it to perform a goddamn bullshit facsimile of a morning routine, then sitting in traffic for an hour, then sitting at work six inches from a fucking meltdown for eight hours, then sitting in traffic for another hour only to, when I try to complain about it to my parents, get a 45 minute lecture about how I'm "not doing enough to get better" and "how this makes us feel" and how apparently I fucking LIKE being sad and tired all the time because I didn't IMMEDIATELY FIND A FUCKING THERAPIST AFTER MY LAST ONE STOPPED TAKING MY INSURANCE. I GET IT. I AM A WORTHLESS FUCKUP AND A DRAIN ON YOUR PRECIOUS TIME AND ENERGY. YOU WOULD BOTH RATHER BE PLAYING FUCKING CANASTA ON A CRUISE SHIP THAN DEALING WITH YOUR MENTALLY ILL SON. I UNDERSTAND THAT I APPARENTLY AM DOING MY BEST REMAIN DEPRESSED BECAUSE NOT BEING ABLE TO DO BASIC LIFE TASKS IS SO FUCKING FUN AND I LOVE MAKING YOU MISERABLE. FUCK THDJFBDKDBDKEBFJDBF I'm honestly closer to killing myself tonight than I've been in years, but I can't tell them that because it's "emotional manipulation" and makes them feel saaaaaaad. I have nobody to talk to but my one remaining friend and random folks on the internet who, despite not even knowing me or my circumstances that well, somehow manage to do a better job of providing emotional support than my own fucking parents. Christ. If I were on a tall building now... Fuck it. Maybe I'll just move to Tucson and live with the singular solitary friend I have left and work at walmart or something. It would probably be better than putting up with this shit night after night.
I'm guessing it wouldn't help to point out to your parents that 'enjoying depression' is an oxymoron. ...Well, your own depression, anyway. I suppose you could enjoy other peoples', if you had a rather nasty streak of schadenfreude. (Am I spelling that right? I'm never sure about that word.) At this point, if all else fails, I recommend surviving out of sheer spite. If you have to put up with this bullshit, so do they.
Spite can only get you so far, sadly. The thing that gets me isn't that they don't understand. The thing that gets me is they don't seem to be bothering to *try* to understand. Can't get out of bed in the morning? Must be my fault for staying up too late. (Regardless of the fact that I'm exhausted and sleep a lot no matter how much rest I've had because I'm fucking diagnosed as clinically depressed.) Didn't find a new therapist? Must be because I like being depressed! (Not like I've had to go through six of them thanks to insurance changes and a hospital visit. Not like I'm sick and fucking tired of repeating my fucking life story to a stranger over and over. Not like dad constantly reminds me how much money all my meds and therapy are costing him.) Sad? Angry? Frustrated? Must be because I haven't worked hard enough at self-improvement! (Not like I just lost my job and my girlfriend on the same fucking day.) I should get in a better routine! Dress nicer! Wear contacts instead of glasses! Shave more often! (These things are easy for my parents to do, so obviously they must be easy for me to do and the only reason I'm not is because I'm lazy! Major depressive disorder? What's that? Executive dysfunction? What's that?) Not looking for another job fast enough? Must be because I fucking *enjoy* living at my parents house with my emotionally (and sometimes physically!) abusive father! Better repeatedy remind me that I'm twenty-fucking-seven and still living at home! I couldn't possibly be constantly hating myself for that so we'd better add some more reminders of how fucking worthless I am. All of this makes them streeeeeesed. It's making them saaaaaaad. They're tired of me not doing enough to fix myself. Since I lose my insurance at the end of this month my medications are going to cost them so much money! But they're going to buy them anyway because they just love me so much. What would I do if I didn't have them to fall back on? Why I'd be homeless! I should consider how this makes them feeeeeeeeel! You know what? Too fucking bad assholes! You had a kid! I wasn't a goddamned accident! You fucking PLANNED to have a child! But guess what? He's mentally fucking ill and can barely support himself, and a lot of it is due to you fuckers and your shitty, dysfunctional, abusive behavior! If you weren't ready to deal with that, then you shouldn't have become parents in the first fucking place! Then you could be enjoying your retirement, and I wouldn't exist! We both get what we fucking want! It's YOUR fucking responsibility to try and fucking help me, and don't you fucking DARE try to guilt trip me about it. Christ. Spoiler: SUICIDE TW I'm about ready to just drop by a gun show, get a cheap .357, and blow my fucking brains out right in front of them. If the last thing I see is their shocked and horrified faces maybe that'll give me a little bit of pleasure in this anhedonic fucking hellhole I call a life.
To clarify: No, I'm not going to actually hurt myself. No need to freak out and call the cops. I just need to let some of this shit out or I think I'll do a triple fucking backflip off the handle.
UPD8 I'm not actually feeling any *better*, but I am significantly more in control of my emotions than I was yesterday or the day before. That being the case, I'd like to apologize if I scared anyone with my ranting and raving. Just today and tomorrow left at the office. Gonna get through this, probably.
