Welp. We broke up

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by idiomie, Oct 12, 2016.

  1. Mercury

    Mercury 17 Quicksilver Scribe Tramples The Unrepentant

    Forest is, in this case, 100% correct. Ariel is making a big show of separating your things; it's reasonable to want to do it properly and get all your things back. And honestly, it's weird and kind of creepy of Ariel to still be wearing your clothes, especially when she's made such an effort to separate your things from hers. Clothes are little cheap things like ballpoint pens or something! Telling her, "I'm no longer okay with you borrowing my clothes, please give them back" is reasonable. If she goes on some sort of "Well you haven't given MY X, Y, and Z back" tantrum, you can respond with something like, "Okay, let's make lists of what we lent each other so we can make sure to give everything back."

    I suspect Ariel is looking to insinuate herself between you and Dove now. I wouldn't be surprised if she's mad and wants to try to 'take' her from you.
    • Like x 4
  2. Zin

    Zin Professional Lurker

    Seconding Mercury.

    Also sending you hugs, I'll.. come back and say more when I am not at work, probably? If more words/perspectives may help?
    • Like x 1
  3. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    It's perfectly normal to ask for your clothes back. If you're uncomfortable doing it alone, you could mention it at the RA meeting.

    And I agree with @Mercury; I think she's trying to get Dove on her side/separate Dove from you.
    • Like x 1
  4. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Well, it turns out the shoes she was wearing were technically something we bought together. (I would argue strenuously she never paid me back properly for them, however.) I'm just cutting my losses and letting her keep the two pairs of shoes. I don't care enough to drag that fight out. As for clothes, she called me petty for it, but everything is back in my closet.

    Zin, some extra perspective would not be missed. I am mostly baffled by her behavior and am not sure how to proceed, except "ignore and pretend she is behaving normally and then tell the RA when she isn't"

    In the main gc, she has told me that I'm not supposed to sit with her and we're not friends and she doesn't want us to be. Okay. Why are you talking to Dove??? Also, I don't care how much she doesn't want me to sit with her, if it's a group of my friends she's sitting with, I'm fucking sitting down.

    Dove also suspected it was break us up, which is actually kinda hilarious to us both. We've known each other for eleven years. I call her father my uncle (and he has introduced me as his kid/neice to his parents. like. fight me, he's my uncle). I'm not exactly sure what she thinks she could actually accomplish. I mean, I've suspected that some of the things she's said to me while we were dating was an attempt to drive a wedge between Dove and I anyway. It's still kinda funny to me.

    Forest guessed that it is the start of a ploy to get us back together. Which doesn't make sense with the new info of "we aren't friends and im not interested in being friends" but honestly wasn't that unreasonable before.

    While this is probably going to turn into a vent/advice thread for "what the fuck do I do with my roommate" until we're no longer living together, some good ranting about Forest and Dove: they have ganged up on me in our personal gc to give me compliments. It's embarrassing (it's ... it's so so embarrassing) but sweet. They actually seem to get along really well and have apparently been talking on their own via tumblr and fb. Some of it is about me (I think the first conversation started because Dove asked Forest if he had any idea was Ariel was doing?) but there's apparently been other stuff I was told was none of my business. It's not and I'm so excited.
    • Like x 4
  5. Scheherazade

    Scheherazade It's a story fractal

    Okay, first? Telling someone you broke up with and who is taking back all of her possessions to stop wearing your possessions is not rude. Unless you open your request for the return of your clothing with something along the lines of "Hey asshole, I want my shit back, start stripping!" it is not even a little bit rude.

    Second, I'd recommend tallying up every last single thing in that dorm that you own, making doubly certain that none of them are things she could possibly claim as hers, and then getting as many of those things as possible out of the dorm before she can start trying to steal or destroy them to get back at you. Having them in the house of a trusted friend or similar location would be ideal, but if that's not feasible see if you can get a chest that locks. A sturdy one. She may or may not be the kind of person who'd go in for that kind of petty revenge, but "right after discovering the ruins of a treasured childhood toy I brought with me to college" would be a really sucky time to find out that she is.

    Third, move out as soon as humanly possible. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, do not sleep in the same room as your clearly angry ex-girlfriend for a second longer than you have to.
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2016
    • Like x 4
  6. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    I want to object because I still feel like she isn't all terrible (there were good things about her, which is why I dated her for nine months) but uh. The thing she did yesterday was cruel, I don't really trust her either anymore, and for someone who insisted that she always became friends with her exes, she's not doing a very good job. I am gonna start moving my stuff home too, and move some things over to Forest's room. I also saw my therapist today, and she said I definitely need to move and that she'll try to expedite the process.

    Speaking of moving things, pettiest thing I've done since this started: I made eggnog awhile back, because it's Ariel's favorite, and I made it alcoholic (partly because homemade eggnog doesn't last longer than two or three days if it isn't alcoholic). We live on a dry campus. So Ariel, who likes drinking and has previously strongly encouraged me to bring alcoholic things back to campus (and likes that I make hard eggnog and mead), tells me that all the alcohol needs to be gone because she really isn't comfortable with it anymore (no, you just want to rat me out to the RA). But! We can finish off the eggnog. I just can't keep any other alcohol or make any more.

    I poured all the eggnog out and shipped the bottles and things I use to make mead home. (I considered giving it to a friend but, dry campus. Keeping alcohol is kinda dangerous and I'm not gonna get a friend in trouble.)

    Plus, since my last post, Forest and I talked, and apparently she tried to convince Forest that Dove was terrible and I would be better off if Dove was out of my life *hinthinthint*???? Actually, I'm kinda spectacularly pissed at her reasoning, among which was "Dove's reason's for not dating idiomie are bullshit" (no, fuck you, "I don't want to date you" is perfectly fucking valid I will fight you).

    I'm particularly uncomfortable with her anyway, because since deciding she has a lot of the symptoms for npd, she won't stop posting things to the gc about how she has no empathy. And .... doesn't really care about having any.

    Other things: Gonna tell her she can't use my netflix account anymore. Need to change the password.

    Ahhh, I need to see the RA tomorrow.
    • Like x 6
  7. Scheherazade

    Scheherazade It's a story fractal

    If by 'all terrible' you mean 'pure evil', then of course not, no. I suspect that very few people, if any, are completely evil with no good qualities whatsoever. But you don't have to be evil to be a dysfunctional asshole, and she's clearly crossed that line.

    She doesn't have to be all bad, the point is that she's bad enough.
    • Like x 4
  8. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    This is true. I think I meant more along the lines of I still feel like I should defend her, even though I know she's in the wrong and I shouldn't.
  9. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    This is nice to hear about. I'm glad to hear you have people like Forest and Dove in your life.
    • Like x 6
  10. Mercury

    Mercury 17 Quicksilver Scribe Tramples The Unrepentant

    I'm sure Ariel has lots of good qualities or you wouldn't have started dating her! But right now she's acting like a spoiled child who's been thwarted, and it's smart to protect yourself from her tantrums. Like yeah, maybe the eggnog thing was kind of petty, but considering she ~suddenly~ couldn't take having alcohol around except for in her favorite drink, you may have dodged a bullet. It sounded to me like a precursor to her tattling on you, too. :/

    fwiw it sounds like you're handling this well so far, even though it's a tough situation with a difficult person. Breakups are hard enough without the other person pulling the kind of shit Ariel is doing. I'm glad Forest and Dove are there for you, they sound like great people to have on your side.
    • Like x 7
  11. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Oh, it definitely read as a "trying to tattle" thing, especially because I know she has no qualms about ratting someone out if she's mad/doesn't like them. Part of why I wanted to get rid of the eggnog quickly was because I honestly wasn't sure if she was just saying the eggnog was fine so that I would have it when she went to tell the RA. I haven't actually told her the eggnog is gone yet, because she hasn't asked, so we'll see where that goes.

    As for pettiness, I just ended up changing my netflix password last night instead of telling her to stop using it, because I know it'll ask her to login back in the next time she tries to use my account. I'm not sure this is me "handling this well." But ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it's not like she doesn't have access to her parents' netflix account.

    I am glad you think I'm handling this well. My friends do too, which is also reassuring.

    I thought it was a nice break from the doom and gloom of Everything Feels Terrible Right Now situation with Ariel :) Dove and Forest both have separate campaigns of "convince idiomie they aren't an awful person" because one of the things I struggle with a lot my self worth and feeling like there's nothing good about me. (I don't think Ariel meant to make it worse, but she definitely didn't help.) I was not expecting them to decide to combine their efforts, but I think it's sweet and kinda funny.
    • Like x 5
  12. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Welp. Things are awful and I need to start making bulleted lists of shit when I go see the AC, probably next Monday.

    To recap:

    Wednesday or Thursday night, Ariel went to bed while her show was playing on her laptop. Around 11pm, I tried to wake her up so she could turn it off (because I cannot fall asleep when there's ambient noise like a TV show or whatever), she sat up and rolled over. So I paused the show, shut the laptop, and went to bed.

    I change my netflix password (from my own laptop, fuck you very much) without telling her, because honestly I'm not sure if she's using mine or her parents. And also I didn't feel like talking to her.

    Friday night/Saturday morning, she accuses me of using her laptop without her permission. Her evidence is that she could no longer use my netflix account. She will not listen to me when I say I changed it from my own laptop, and will not let go of the idea that I am using her laptop when she's out of the room.

    Saturday, I talked to her boyfriend. Apparently, she's been telling him that I've been stealing stuff like cheese from her (the cheese she was referring to was 1) bought by me and 2) originally in her fridge and she fucking moved it to mine?!?!) and going through her stuff.

    Today, I was putting my clothing away in my closet and I saw some of my makeup in her things. I picked it up and put it away. It was literally in plain sight? I didn't move any of her shit, I didn't actually touch anything of hers, and she's quite frankly been more invasive going through my stuff to break our things apart, so I didn't think anything of it. (In retrospect, with the way she's flipped out about this, I should've made a point of asking for it back.)

    Tonight! I have been publicly accused of potential theft, riffling through her things, and changing the settings on her laptop. Her evidence: my makeup. She told me if I didn't stop, she would go to the RA.

    Since I haven't stolen anything, I haven't gone through her things, and I haven't touched her laptop, I brought the RA with me to our room. I told her I was done with her accusations, and she could take them to the RA. The only one she talked about was my makeup (which was out in the open!!! it wasn't hidden away anywhere, it was literally on top of all her shit in front of my closet). When I asked her why she hadn't given it back, since she'd made such a point of throwing everything else that was mine on my bed, she told me that she'd "forgotten" that she had it. (How did you notice I got it back then??)

    Tbh, I don't think she forgot. The makeup in question was setting powder for foundation, that Ariel has made no secret that she loves, and I think she was trying to steal it. If she'd hidden it better, she probably would've gotten away with it, because I don't where makeup enough to have noticed anytime soon. I literally only thought of it because I saw it and it's mine.

    In any event, I came back to our room with the RA in tow, and the only thing she talked about was the makeup (none of the, I've got a stroke counter on my laptop! and have been recording when I've been out!! or I'm reporting you for theft). We're meeting with the Area Coordinator probably on next Monday (Ariel is "too busy" with homework to see him anytime before then).

    Additionally, Ariel's birth certificate was in my Binder of Important Legal Things (because Ariel didn't have one, and she needed her birth certificate a few weeks ago, and it was put in there back when we were dating) and she demanded it back. I gave it back because whatever, it isn't mine (and I had honestly forgotten that I had it because hey, it wasn't mine). She's making a whole ordeal of me not being trust worthy and that's why she needed it back now and honestly whatever. You got it back, I didn't do anything to it.

    She also told me I needed to move out, because I've been spending the night with Forest a lot. While I don't want to stay in the same room with her, fuck her, it's my room too and I'm not going to let her chase me out. And I don't know why she thinks I can move in with Forest, when he lives in a dorm room smaller than ours (because it's a single) and technically, even though we're both residential students, when I sleep over I'm a guest, and you can't have a guest for more than three consecutive nights. Since we are now going to see the AC, and Ariel is pretty adamant we can't live together (not that I think we can either), she has told me she's only voluntarily moving if there's a single with a bathroom. Ha. Good luck. I don't know what's going to happen, and it probably will be me who's leaving the room/getting a new room, but still.

    This is twice now that I've actually gotten the RA involved when she's threatened me with the RA. I think it's pissing her off and honestly, good. I suspect the RA is a bluff because she doesn't actually have enough to legitimately accuse me to the school of the things she's been accusing me of. I think that sentence made sense? (Actually, three times, but the third time was super fucking petty and I know it and I refuse to be ashamed of it because it wasn't my behavior that needed the RA).

    I have been trying not to come here and complain these past few days, or complain to any of my friends, because I was hoping that if I just took a deep breath and let go of a little of my anger at her behavior, we could at least coexist. Apparently not. I'm not going to turn around and do everything I want to and be mean and petty back, but I'm done trying to not be angry.

    Eh. My opinion might change. I'm still pretty high on the adrenaline from bringing the RA (because I love our RA, but authority figures scare the bejesus out of me and I was intentionally going into a situation I knew/expected to be a fight) and haven't actually stopped shaking yet. I'll probably feel less angry then.
    • Like x 6
  13. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    I am trying to envision the RA's expression upon being told "I know my roommate's stealing from me because I had her makeup in my stuff and now it's in her stuff instead."

    Also, considering the way she's ramped up her behaviour, I am very, very glad for you that you broke up with her.
    • Like x 5
  14. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    I feel really really bad for our RA, because I'm being really shitty at staying calm in these situations (because I'm in danger! I'm about to die! Fight fight fightfightfight! Yeah, fuck you, brain) and when she told me that she'd "forgotten" she had it, I said, "Yeah, fuck you, I'm done talking to you, talk to our RA."

    Our RA looked like a deer in the headlights. I still feel guilty for putting her on the spot like that. (Also. It's pretty well known by most everyone IRL that I don't swear when I'm angry. I swear pretty much always the rest of the time, but when I'm angry I try really hard to not swear, because I don't like how it escalates the situation. So, that was definitely part of her shock.)

    The RA didn't even respond to anything she said about me going through her stuff. I think she is equally as skeptical as I am that Ariel noticed I had taken something of mine that she didn't even know she had, according to herself.

    An additional update: Ariel has formally requested that I be the one that move because it would be traumatic for her cat. I had to bite my tongue to not tell her that that isn't my problem, because while it isn't, I do care about the cat. And also that doesn't help anything.
    • Like x 5
  15. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Things have definitely gone from 0 to 60 from last night to today. I'm talking to my therapist about doing a partial intake program at the hospital, so like, if any of you know anything about that, an idea of what to expect would be great.

    So things that have been going on in the background of this whole mess: I have bipolar, and while my medication does mostly manage it, my depressive swings don't go away entirely. (Mostly I spend a few weeks feeling malcontent and bored but worse and then wake up with it magically gone one day. Having dealt with my depressive swings unmedicated, where I literally tried to kill myself, this is maybe not ideal but it is so much better than it used to be.) Right before Ariel and I started fighting, I hit one of those depressive swings again. This was fine, just meant that I needed to be a little more controlling of my sleep and eating schedule (because poor sleep and eating will fuck it up even more) and take care to pay attention to deadlines a little more/not let schoolwork get ahead of me.

    Then my insurance changed, and my medication went from $15 a month to $295 from one month to the next. This has taken me about three weeks to unfuck (I'm finally at like $30 a month, which is still more but is at least manageable), and I've been off my meds this entire time. Which means instead of being in a medicated depressive swing, which sucks but is manageable, I've been in an unmedicated depressive swing, which also sucks and I don't have a history of managing well. Or at all.

    And meanwhile Ariel and I were fighting and then we broke up. I don't think us staying together, because we were fighting, would have made anything better, but this has definitely been contributing to me falling into a Everything Is Awful, What Even Is The Point mentality.

    So last night, because I brought the RA and we fought, I had an anxiety attack. This was expected and while it sucks, I know what to do (mostly: breathing exercises and sleep). Ariel intentionally did everything in her power to prevent that, from keeping the lights on to playing loud TV to stomping around the room and while I think it was only intended to prevent me from sleeping (because all of those things do and that has been her MO in the past), it had the added bonus preventing me from calming down. I had to get the RA involved and didn't fall asleep until around midnight.

    I woke up this morning and really wasn't any better. And spent the better part of my 8am thinking about committing suicide. I would argue that I'm not in any immediate danger because I am at least cognizant that things will get better. I have a letter from myself this time last year, which is the first time I could remember since being about 14 where I wasn't some flavor of depressed or emotionally unbalanced. I don't remember what that feels like right now, but I know it exists and is possible in the future. (Probably, yknow, once I get back on my meds.)

    I'd hoped that I could wait this out and go through the rehoming process or even just manage the rest of the year with Ariel since she's transferring colleges next year anyway, but I really don't think I can anymore. Ariel has been delibrately making things worse (I think just because she wants to drive me out of the room) and I can't stay in the same room with her. My therapist, who works for our college, is helping me expedite the process but it'll still take a while.

    I had an emergency meeting with my therapist pretty much immediately, and am having another, longer meeting with her in about an hour. We're looking at doing the out-patient/partial intake program at the local hospital. I'm kinda terrified because I've never done anything like it (and my parents used to use hospitalization and medication as threats when I was younger; like, even getting on meds took basically forever and I'm still pretty uncomfortable with it even if I know it's necessary). I'm also terrified because with my new insurance, not much of it will be covered because it's out of network, and idk how I'm going to afford this. I'm on my parents' insurance, but I doubt they'll help because 1) they won't help cover the $600 I'm currently short for next semester (I was told to drop out if I can't find the money) and 2) my mother is pretty militant in her belief that there isn't actually anything wrong with me and I don't need any kind of psychiatric care.

    Anyway. Does anyone know what outpatient services are like/what can I expect?
  16. Zin

    Zin Professional Lurker

    Oh heck. I would cross-post in Braaaaains - people tend to be quicker re: brain stuff in there.

    (Also - if you do a gofundme, re school and other things, if stuff ends up messy, people on kintsugi are usually willing to kick something in to help out if they can. )
  17. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Thanks, did that. I wasn't sure that here was the right place to post, but it was at least tangentially related to my issues with Ariel so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    I have been essentially kicked out of my room at this point. Forest is great and doesn't mind me staying, and my therapist has said she will handle the RAs if anyone complains about my presence (though he doesn't have a roommate, so chances of that happening are very low) so it's not like I have nowhere to sleep, but I am bitter that I can't have my fucking room. And my setting powder is missing, but I'm not looking forward to asking Ariel about it.

    We're also fighting about money because she wants the shoes that she paid for partially (debatable) and the printer she paid for part of and she's demanding back my work clothes because her mother paid for them and on the one hand, I want to deal with this, but on the other, I think I'm just gonna go to sleep and deal with it later.
    • Like x 1
  18. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    I think all of this will be best sorted out with a mediator, because honestly you're trying to deal with her like she's be of air and she's trying to make you hurt. It's bs that she wants your work clothes back; that's not how gifts work.

    Re: tuition, I'm not American, but if your parents refuse to help with your tuition and you're that much short, I believe there's a form you can get them to sign stating that that would make you eligible for student loans. talk to someone in financial aid about it.
    • Like x 2
  19. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    I already talked to financial aid, and because I'm still technically a dependent (not over 26; not married; have no children; not part of the military), I've been told there's nothing I can do. I have looked at getting additional student loans, but everything requires a cosigner, which my parents refuse to do, and I have no other adults to ask. (And, honestly, even if I did, I'm not sure how comfortable I would be/if I would be able to work up the nerve to. Never ask people for money has been pretty strongly drilled into my head.)

    I'm tentatively hopeful that when the due date for my spring tuition comes, they will be willing to cover the $600. My parents, especially my mother, have a history of saying something or demanding something of me, and then dramatically changing their mind when later questioned, but I don't want to count on it. (Example: this summer, my mother told me I wasn't to come home again next summer; by the end of the summer, she had made plans with me for next summer (??? still confused by this), and did not seem to remember the conversation when questioned.)

    We are getting a mediator. It's part of the process for getting a new roommate, because the school wants to keep people from moving basically at all costs (because we actually have more students then we have room for - "approximately 15% of all double rooms are currently triples" we have more people than we have room for.

    (Also, "be of air." I cannot parse what that means, please explain?)
  20. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    Whoops , be of air was autocomplete . I meant you're acting like she's being fair or reasonable in her requests. I have the impression she's asking for things back not just because she wants them (if she even wants them) but because she wants to deprive you of them.

    The form I'm thinking of (FAFSA, maybe?) is basically your parents' declaration that they'll no longer support you financially. it effectively makes you a non-dependent for the purposes of student aid. They have to sign it, though. I hope you get the $600 some way or another.
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