Welp. We broke up

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by idiomie, Oct 12, 2016.

  1. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Ahhh, so separate from depression shit going on: guess what I learned yesterday!

    Apparently Ariel wasn't just not using my pronouns consistently and not interested in improving that (but still using other people's). She was actively correcting other people from they/them to she/her when I wasn't around. And because I don't enforce my pronouns that much (it makes me uncomfortable, for one, and I'm also generally not particularly upset by people messing up from time to time), people were starting to use she/her. The mystery of why people have been using they/them less these last few weeks, finally solved!

    I am so pissed. And am now enforcing my pronouns.

    Additionally, my mother and aunt (her sister) visited yesterday. It was nice! I haven't seen my aunt in two? three? years, and it was a surprise visit, and we went out to dinner (Forest joined us) and it was Good. I also got to break the news that Ariel and I broken up, and finally got to vent and trash talk a little (I've been trying not, because I'm trying not to let myself be mean and petty, but it was so nice to just bitch for a little while). My mother told me she was glad I had done this, because Ariel had clearly been emotionally abusing me, which honestly surprised me. (The thing that finally made me go "I'm not comfortable with our relationship" was that Ariel had started doing things that paralleled my mother. To have my mother label Ariel's behavior as abusive, when she has vehemently denied that her own actions have hurt me and would repeatedly tell my therapist in high school that I was exaggerating and lying, was interesting.)

    I also brought up my money problems, and let my mother know I don't expect to have more than maybe $600 by next semester (which puts me at roughly $1000 short of my tuition now; with what's been going on, I've had to dip into my tuition fund to pay for my meds and hospital fees and there is no feasible way for me have $1600 by January 5) and my mother looked kinda thoughtful and said, "we'll make this work." So. "Drop out next semester" may have been an empty threat.

    Since my mother was here, I had her take all of my glass things home, since I don't trust Ariel and can't really store them in Forest's room indefinitely. I was going to take them home for Thanksgiving break anyway, so this was good. I also had her take my box of matches and candles, because it is technically contraband at my school, and as with the alcohol, I suspect Ariel may attempt to get me in trouble for it.
    • Like x 7
  2. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    So a thing Ariel used to do and I don't know why it's bugging me so much right now, but it is: I am an undiagnosed-but-highly-suspect-I-have-it autistic (uh. I was told if my parents had had me diagnosed in elementary school, which is on my school record as a recommendation the school made, I would have been, but the therapist told me "it no longer meaningfully impacts my life" or something) and have been diagnosed with ADHD. Ariel is diagnosed with neither, and when she and I started dating, she mostly approached my autistic and adhd traits as quirks to live with/accommodate.

    My boyfriend is actually diagnosed with both. Making jokes about relatable feels re: autism or adhd is a thing we do. Also, because we have similar sensory issues, when we go out to stores, we play a game of bouncing back and forth down the aisle, finding the best/worst tactile sensations and showing each other. (Also helps because I am like utterly incapable of not trying to touch everything. And making a game of it helps to make it feel more normal, so I enjoy this.)

    Cue Ariel suddenly loudly talking about how she's really autism and adhd diagnosable, and when I take it seriously, she brushes me off, and then she later turns around and tells me she feels hurt because I'm not taking her input seriously. (Example: she wanted to participate in the tactile store game and felt that Forest and I weren't taking her contributions seriously because she "has similar tactile sensory issues" to us, even though iirc she didn't pick out things that fit??)

    She also, simultaneously, liked to rant about how self-diagnosis is dumb and awful. (Fun fact: she openly tells people she's been diagnosed with NPD, even though I know she hasn't seen a therapist since last semester, and she wasn't considering an NPD diagnosis until this summer. But I digress.)

    I did, on several occasions, ask her if "I'm diagnosable" had anything meaningful to impart. (Not as such, because I have some awareness of That Would Be Rude. Mostly I asked how she wanted me to handle the information/if there was anything she wanted to do about it/wanted me to do about it.) It didn't.

    And I just. I understand it, kinda. I can logic my way to a why. She felt excluded, I think, and wanted to participate, and felt that the way to participate was if she herself was also The Thing. But it really bothered me and now I'm just sitting here thinking about it, kinda annoyed, mostly baffled. I'm not entirely sure why it bothers me, so I'm just kinda picking at it to see if I can find answers. But I also thought I'd share.

    Edited to add: I'm not upset she was trying to participate. I play a version of the tactile store game with my sister! My sister who is very definitely allistic! It's not like the sensory games that Forest and I were playing were exclusive to (probable) autistics. And when she pointed stuff out in the game, I went and touched them and did the thing. But they just weren't right?

    I think I'm more annoyed that she played the game wrong, and instead of fixing that, she told me she was "actually almost autistic" and that the problem was how Forest and I were playing, not that she was picking the wrong things.
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2016
    • Like x 2
  3. pixels

    pixels hiatus / only back to vent

    her npd self-diagnosis seems right fucking spot on, though. christ.

    i had to double check that i was in this forum and not in ITA.
    • Like x 5
  4. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    About two posts from you in I was like "I'm not going to armchair diagnose her, but we have an emoticon for that kind of behaviour on our forum".

    At the very least she's an attention whore and has no object permanence. Everything she does is to get attention, and to have any and all attention be on her at all times. The accusations and threats? Attention. The bothering you so you can't sleep? Attention. The diagnosis one-upmanship? Attention. The ignoring you? Attention. She thinks her attention is the grail and only thing anyone could ever want, and thinks taking it from you is the worst punishment. The talking to Dove? Attention. She wants you to be afraid Dove is going to ditch you, and her lack of object permanence makes her believe that if she just acts buddy-buddy with Dove now, Dove will drop you like a hot potato.
    You were right in getting as much of your stuff out of there when you could. She will destroy anything she can get her hands on if given half the chance.
    And now get the hell away from her.
    • Like x 2
  5. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Yeah, I ended up talking to Forest about this last night. It was definitely an attention thing, because Forest actually had no recollection of Ariel doing the "I'm adhd and autism diagnosable" thing (or even attempting to participate in the tactile store game, actually). I think the root of the bother was that Ariel acted like her experiences were the True, Real Autism (tm) and the True, Real ADHD (tm), despite being neither, and ignoring and dismissing my own.

    Forest postulated that it was part of her trying to make me doubt my own experiences, which is apparently a thing she did a lot? Idk. She did try to subtly tell me I'm not actually autistic quite a lot, by telling me that I was so well adjusted it's not like a needed accommodations or anything. It was basically the stuff about how I'm too high functioning for it to be real? Except never those exact words. I've got a lot of little things to pick at; I might end up making a thread about this over on ITA, honestly, because I can't really tell if I'm just being oversensitive or not.

    As for the NPD thing, she was honestly managing it pretty well when we met and when it came up over the summer, it was something she was concerned about and wanted to see a therapist to manage better/treat. And then a little before we started fighting, she started being cagey about seeing a therapist and putting it off and basically reveling in her symptoms of NPD on tumblr, and yeah, it made me (it still makes me) super uncomfortable.

    I'm honestly more okay with us having broken up now. I talked about our relationship in group therapy yesterday, and that really helped me stop feeling like it was my fault and if I'd just tried harder/done better, we'd still be together.

    Edited to add: It wasn't just that Forest didn't remember her doing the "I'm diagnosable" song and dance; it was that, as Forest recalled, Ariel actively portrayed herself as allistic and not adhd, and that there was a degree of her acting superior to us because of this ("you don't understand what people are saying to you, so your opinion on this event is irrelevant" was a thing she would do to me). Which is a thing I had noticed, and was why I was initially bothered by her saying she was potentially diagnosable, but I explained it away as "well, if she's spent her whole life being told she's allistic, and that being autistic is a bad thing, then evidence to the contrary must be violently denied" because that's a similar thing that I did for a while.
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2016
    • Like x 2
  6. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    Ding ding ding ding, we have a winner.
    Seriously. Bride at every wedding, corpse at every funeral, and what you get from it if you look a bit closer is a bride at every funeral and a corpse at every wedding, because tact, what tact, I see no tact here.
    • Like x 1
  7. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Gonna update here too: to everyone who told me to get out, I'm moving in like 15 minutes. I'm only moving down the hall, and I have to move again within two weeks, but I'll be out of the room I shared with Ariel! (I am highkey terrified, because she won't be there, which is great, but will undoubtedly attempt to accuse me of theft again because of that. The RA will be present, at least.)
    • Like x 11
  8. AbsenteeLandlady123

    AbsenteeLandlady123 Chronically screaming

    Oh man, excellent! Congratulations, you've got this. Maybe take pictures of how the room looks before and after you take your stuff away?
    • Like x 2
  9. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    I didn't do that but, uh. I may have gotten Ariel in trouble with the RA.

    So Ariel has a cat. To keep the cat, because the room is so small, she is supposed to be changing the litter every other day and cleaning the litter box between once a week to at most every other week.

    It was lucky if Ariel changed the litter twice a week, and she never cleaned the litter box the entire time I roomed with her. The room smells like cat piss. Her side of the room is a disaster, with dirty dishes and shit all over the floor.

    The RA is concerned about animal neglect now.

    In other news, she also nail glued my sewing shears into their sheath. I'm going to test the printer and my sewing machine to make sure she didn't fuck with those either. But I told the AC and there's an actual report and I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm not letting this go.

    (My parents were also pissed about this. Angry noises and declarations of support were given. I was surprised, because my parents kept telling me that fighting with Ariel wasn't worth it, but pleased.)
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2016
    • Like x 8
  10. Pesh

    Pesh schtroumph

    From what you're saying she deserves to get in trouble.

    That poor cat.
    • Like x 7
  11. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    I .... yeah. It was okay when I lived there, because I picked up the slack, and did most of the housekeeping (we *never* would have that much trash and dirty dishes lying about, for example), and harassed her into changing the litter semi-regularly. But now that I'm gone, the room actually smells terrible. I would not be surprised to learn that the cat has peed elsewhere in the room, is how terrible it smells.
    • Like x 1
  12. Zin

    Zin Professional Lurker

    Fff. Angry noises on your behalf - and for rhe poor cat. If the RA is concerned for the cat, it is not anything you did, it's her own inability to clean up aftwr the poor thing.
    • Like x 5
  13. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Yeah, it's not. I feel a little bad, because I do think she loves the cat. She's just ... terrible at caring for it.
    • Like x 3
  14. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    Oh wow. She fucked with your sewing shears? She deserves all the trouble for that.
    You do not fuck with a person's sewing shears.
    • Like x 5
  15. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    So, having had a chance to go through my things:

    Missing - my sister's Christmas present (a present for her, not something she gave me); four shirts, only two of which I can accurately describe because I'm basing this off of "I hang all my clothing, and had exactly the number of hangers needed plus two and am now six over"; two pairs of pointed tweezers; my setting powder; a blue jointed power strip. I think that's everything, but am not actually sure because I do have a lot of things and tend to forget what I have?

    The printer and sewing machine are fine, thankfully.

    I'm meeting with the AC after thanksgiving break to discuss my missing items and how to go about retrieving them, as well as what to do about the shears.

    I'd like this to be squared away as soon as possible, especially because I have to move again next Tuesday or Thursday. I'll see what happens.
    • Like x 5
  16. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Hmm. So, I blocked Ariel on tumblr maybe a week ago. I'd unfollowed her and she wasn't making any effort to interact with me, but she has a tag dedicated to how much she dislikes me and how I'm terrible and was abusive and I kept compulsively checking it, and by blocking her, I can't see it anymore. Yesterday, I reblogged something and in the tags said it should probably go in her tag and that the behavior in the post was shitty. Today, I woke up to anons from Ariel, spoiling Moana and telling me that by blocking her I gave up the right to have opinions about and post about her.

    I disagree, because just because I don't want to interact with her doesn't mean I don't get to have opinions about her and I don't see how what I did was any worse than her hate tag dedicated to me. But maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. Thoughts?

    Spoiler because this is only related because it has to do with Ariel and I'm afraid that by telling both of these things together, I am somehow attempting to emotionally manipulate a favorable answer to the above question? Which is probably unfounded, but there you go.

    In addition to this, last night, Ariel sent me a series of angry, aggressive texts, accusing me of stealing her can opener that she had had "since last year."

    The can opener in question is one I bought back in September. I have the receipt. It is clearly credited to one of my debit cards. Since I paid for it, I took it with me. I'm not even sure how I "stole" it, because in order for me to have taken it with me, it's something she had to have put in my things. (The last time I was in the room before moving out, it was on her desk. The rule when moving out, because she wasn't present, was that I could only touch things on "my" side of the room. Which means she moved it from her things to mine without any involvement from me, because if it had still been on her desk or somewhere similar, I wouldn't have been able to get it.)

    I had my mom check the receipt to verify it said can opener and was credited to my debit card. And I showed my mother the texts. My mother was actually really angry with how Ariel was treating me? Which was surprising but nice. And very reassuring, because I was so anxious and upset from these texts. Talked out some of the anxiety with Forest in the group chat, and that was a decent reality check on my expectations of myself, and then I went to bed. I am frustrated that the interaction last night left me basically unable to function, and yet the messages this morning I just shrugged off.
  17. Mercury

    Mercury 17 Quicksilver Scribe Tramples The Unrepentant

    It is absolutely absurd of her to claim that by blocking her you don't have the right to have opinions about her or post about her. That's abusive logic, as it's also very convenient for her if she can get you to believe it. If you do, it either means fewer people end up knowing about her terrible behavior so she kind of gets away with it, or she still gets access to abuse and belittle you if you want to talk about what happened.

    It's bullshit. You get to have, and voice, opinions about whatever the hell you want whether or not she gets to respond directly, and if she doesn't like it? Then maybe she shouldn't have treated you so badly in the first place.

    *huff* Anyway. I wrote that prior to reading under the spoiler, and now I'm going to read it--

    ... YEP. SHE'S A JERK. A GASLIGHTING ASSHOLE, IN FACT. Even if she somehow legitimately misremembered that badly (which I doubt), she has no right to be nasty about it.
    • Like x 5
  18. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Oh, thank god. I wasn't sure because it almost sounded reasonable (like "don't talk about people behind their backs") but also, it's my blog and it's a personal blog that I can post whatever I want about her. I'm alarmed that she's clearly stalking my blog even though she's blocked because I have made exactly one (1) post referencing her since we broke up, and it wasn't even tagged for her.

    I'm never sure if I'm exaggerating how terribly she's treating me, so:

    Ariel: Did you seriously take my fucking can opener jesus christ it was like 98cents just get your own the fuck is even wring with you
    Ariel: Wtf you take the can opener leave your nasty ass salmon shit fucking why
    Ariel: It wasnt even like something we bought together it was my fucking can opener from last year seriously what the fuck

    Idk. At this point it's par the course for how she behaves and this isn't even the worst she's ever texted me. :/
    • Like x 1
  19. emythos

    emythos Lipstick Hoarding Dragon

    she's being terrible to you
    • Like x 2
  20. Mercury

    Mercury 17 Quicksilver Scribe Tramples The Unrepentant

    Yeah, abuser logic is insidious like that - it sounds close enough to something reasonable to seem like it almost might be legit, and gets you doubting yourself.

    And yeah, she's being terrible to you. Talking to someone like that over a can opener...!
    • Like x 4
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