Welp. We broke up

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by idiomie, Oct 12, 2016.

  1. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    .... I can't really tell anymore, honestly. I feel like my inability to cope with her texting me like that is a failure one my part, even though rationally I don't think it is. Because you hear that often enough and it just starts to feel ... normal.

    I'm showing it to the AC though and telling him that I've been patient and tried to make this work and that she's being rude and her behavior is unacceptable.
    • Like x 1
  2. Beldaran

    Beldaran 70% abuse and 30% ramen

    Man, that all sucks horribly. I'm glad the move has happened. Did you end up with the mental health care you needed?

    Also, I get the thing your mom is doing. My mom did the same. She'd treat me awfully but if anyone else dared to be less than kind to me she'd flip out and suddenly be the most (invasively and overly) supportive person on the planet. I hope you are getting help from your partners for all of this.
    • Like x 4
  3. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    I did. I'm back on my meds and the php program helped immensely and I'm seeing my therapist pretty regularly aside from that. And I'm seeing my psychiatrist and we're fiddling with the adhd meds again to get something that gives me less anxiety.

    As for my mom, the weird thing is she was always the person to tell me I just needed to tough it out and be stronger. And now she's not, and she's treating my concerns like they're serious and can't just be brushed off. It's actually really nice to have her support. We're figuring out the boundaries of what she's allowed to help with, because sometimes she pontificates about adulthood and how I should live my life, but I'd argue that this is better than before.

    Most of the abuse from my mom stopped in high school. It was only ever emotional, and moving away to college and the way I pretty effectively tried to cut her out of my life drove home pretty soundly that she did something wrong. And it was never intentional abuse. She genuinely meant well, just majorly fucked up in the execution. Which doesn't make it okay, per se, but it makes it a lot easier to forgive and try to build a relationship going forward.
    • Like x 5
  4. Beldaran

    Beldaran 70% abuse and 30% ramen

    That's awesome dude. Distance and the possibility of more distance can work wonders for dysfunctional family relationships.
    • Like x 4
  5. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    So now that break is over and I'm back on campus, I went looking through my things to see if I had the can opener. I do not, in fact, have the can opener. It is still mine, but it would appear that it didn't make the move from the old room to the new one. (There is the possibility that I had it and Ariel actually physically stole it because the girl I'm rooming with doesn't lock her doors. But as I don't recall seeing the can opener while moving, and I doubt Ariel would be quite so brazen, I think that's unlikely.) I suspect Ariel simply misplaced the can opener in her room and was blaming me for it's disappearance. The can opener is, however, going onto the list of things that are mine she still has possession of, because I feel like being petty. The updated list is actually quite long, since I sat down and looked through all of my receipts to know which things I left behind (because it was questionable who owned them) are actually mine. In addition, while searching for the can opener, I discovered that she stole my cutlery and chopsticks.

    The girl I'm rooming with is honestly a sweetheart and I'm so grateful to her. She was one of the first friends I made on campus, but we drifted apart because she repeatedly outed me to strangers, insisted that medication for mental illness was wrong, and was close friends with a girl who creeped me out. (I would wake up with her in bed with me sometimes. I think being creeped out by her was justified.) I didn't particularly like her and haven't made any effort to interact with her since October last year. Apparently, since then, she and the girl aren't friends any more, she seems to have learned to be more respectful about (not) outing people, and she softened a little bit on her stance on medication, all of which made me at least less concerned about temporarily rooming with her.

    But honestly she's put so much effort into welcoming into her room, even though I know I've disrupted her life, and has been so patient with the whole process of getting a new room. I don't know if I'll have anywhere to move into by the end of this week, except another temporary room (and I don't know where), and she's offered to let me stay indefinitely until a permanent room can be found, which is so much less stress for me. I'm a little concerned, because I'm still in the same dorm building (and floor) as Ariel, and the girl doesn't lock her door consistently, but it's certainly working for now.

    I see the AC tomorrow at 11am. I'm giving him the list of things that belong to me, and requesting that res life go about getting them, demanding a resolution to the sewing shears (I'm asking for her to buy me new ones. I don't really care that much, and don't particularly expect it, but I worry that if I don't have a concrete measure of what I want done, they won't do anything), and showing her texts to me. I'm not quite sure what I want out of the last one, except that she be told off? And that if she continues to verbally abuse via text that I get a no contact order from the school from her.
    • Like x 5
  6. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    So I know several of you guys are on tumblr: does blocking an anon prevent that IP address from viewing and interacting with your blog (like blocking an account does), or does it only prevent them from communicating with your blog?
  7. emythos

    emythos Lipstick Hoarding Dragon

    only communicating i think
  8. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Welp. Nothing for it then. Ariel can still see my blog.
  9. Beldaran

    Beldaran 70% abuse and 30% ramen

    Man, if she wants to take time out of her day to go out of her way and look at your blog that's her problem. Just pretend like she can't see it and block her from communicating with you every way you can.
    • Like x 2
  10. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    It's dumb anxiety about how I've started reblogging things about her and putting them in her tag. And by things, I mean I have thus far reblogged one post about how shitty people don't want you talking about their shitty behavior. And there isn't anything wrong with this, because that's exactly what she's been trying to get me to do, and I *can* post things about our relationship and her but I also know it'll make her mad and I'm irrationally afraid of her response.

    But I blocked the anons she sent me and if she contacts me via text or facebook, I can block her there and get a no contact order. So. It's not my problem anymore.
    • Like x 6
  11. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    The meeting with the AC went ... okayish? I gave him the list of things, he's going to go about getting them. I explained which things she could contest and why they're still actually mine (ex. things I bought that we both used, but I bought them so they're mine). There is a report about the sewing shears and she's going to be asked about it. I'm not sure what happens if she confesses, but if she doesn't (and I doubt she will) it becomes a conduct case. I don't know what that entails either and I'm not looking forward to it. Still no resolution to where I'm gonna live.

    Also showed the texts, basically got told he can't do anything (he can "step in" but no info on how or what he will do to actually make her stop) and was advised to go forward with a no contact order if this continues.

    Something kinda got done but on the whole I feel dissatisfied.
    • Like x 2
  12. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    So since this was originally a thread about all my relationships, and I don't really want to make a new thread, I guess I'll put this here:

    Forest is really really great.

    One of the potential solutions to the housing situation is moving in with him. Now, this would not be an official solution; our school keeps pretty strict binary gender segregation in housing. Even though Forest and I aren't cis, he's legally a guy and I'm legally a girl, so. The school would never let us room together.

    Now, the way around this is: the girl I'm staying with temporarily has a boyfriend. Because she was alone in a double, her boyfriend unofficially moved in with her. RAs generally turn a blind eye to shenanigans like this, so while it's technically against the rules, no one says anything. (Ariel and I actually did the same thing last semester, which is why I thought we could room together officially in the first place.) The reason the girl I'm rooming with doesn't want me staying permanently is because doing that kicks out her boyfriend. She doesn't want any roommates because of this.

    If I officially move in with her, but unofficially move in with Forest, I'm out of the same building as Ariel, and the girl (I'm gonna call her V; calling her "the girl" feels rude) can keep her boyfriend in her room, because with an official roommate, she's no longer in danger of being assigned someone.

    This is not a terrible idea and I have considered it, and Forest independently suggested it as well. It's basically what I'm doing right now anyway, and I think it would work.

    Except. It worked with Ariel, and then that blew up in my face, and while I really don't think Forest would turn on me the way Ariel has, I'm still cautious. It sorta feels like repeating the same dumb thing that failed all over again. Even though, at this point, I think it's the only feasible one right now (or I'm stuck in temporary housing limbo for at least two more months).

    Telling Forest why I'm not thrilled with this solution has been pretty much impossible, because in the back of my mind, I'm afraid he'd think I was telling him I think he's Ariel and he'll get mad. So I haven't, because telling someone something I think will make them mad at me is The Worst.

    And then last night I told him, because we were talking about it. And it went fine! Forest wasn't angry, and was very firm in telling me that it wasn't dumb for this to be so hard for me.

    And I'm just so happy. I'm slowly learning that I can tell him things I'm scared of and that it doesn't go badly. And it really contrasts to how Ariel would've handled this.
    • Like x 12
  13. Aqua Vitae

    Aqua Vitae put some honey and sea water by your bed.

    This is why you deciding to move in with Forest is not the same thing as moving in with Ariel. They're different people, this is not the same choice.
    • Like x 4
  14. i'd be worried about ariel starting shit, just because you and forest moving in together isn't strictly kosher. because then she'd have grounds to fuck you over and it sure seems like she'd be spiteful enough to try it 8(
    • Like x 4
  15. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    Yeah, which is why I didn't discard it out of hand, and think it's probably what's going to end up happening. But the anxiety was still there, though talking to Forest actually did a lot to make me feel less anxious about it.

    Ehhh, I'm only a little concerned. As far as she knows, I would actually be in V's room, and if res life were to investigate the living arrangement, it'd actually be hard to prove. (Res life would need someone confirming I've been sleeping semi-permanently in Forest's room, and the only people who can confirm that are Forest and V, neither of whom want to do that. Ariel can't confirm that, because we are no longer roommates, which is the only plausible reason for her to know. This is why reporting me to res life was a real threat when we were still technically rooming together.)

    What I'm more concerned about is that someone apparently reported her for animal abuse, and several people think it's me. I didn't (I'm 90% it was the RA), but I'm worried she thinks I did and will retaliate because of it. Plus the outcome of her meeting with the AC, which I will learn about Thursday or Friday.

    Edit: So just talked to Queer Cat, confirmed, Ariel does in fact think I'm the one who reported her. Fuck.
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2016
    • Like x 8
  16. Kittenly

    Kittenly Just Squish That Cat!

    Your anxiety about moving in with Forest, even unofficially is totally warranted given how things went last time. I'm so happy you talked to him though, because that's how you make a solid relationship and the fact that it went well bodes really well for the future. I think there are a few big differences between living with Forest and Ariel: the big one being that Forest is not Ariel like people have said above. The second is that since you officially room with V if things do somehow blow up, it gives you a place to land and regroup. Yeah, it might be inconvenient for V and her bf, but given that V was willing to help you this time, I'm betting she and her bf would be willing to suffer some inconvenience while you can sort things out. Especially if you're upfront with her about all this.
    • Like x 4
  17. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    Do not actually do this, but there is a spiteful part of me that would be tempted to tell Ariel "Thanks for reminding me that I forgot my can opener."

    I would advise the RA about your concerns of Ariel retaliating about the animal abuse call. if RA actually did it, I think the thing that word most diffuse the situation would be them telling her that. whether she believes it is up to her. And keep in mind that the way she's behaving, I'd 100% expect her to report you for animal abuse if your roles were reversed (or if you had any animal, neglected or not).

    I'm glad your conversation with Forest went well.
    • Like x 4
  18. idiomie

    idiomie I, A Shark Apologist

    So today on "shit Ariel used to do that still upsets me":

    I had a curfew. It was kinda informal, and initially established by me because I'm terrible at keeping a good sleep schedule. Ariel, however, enforced it diligently and kinda aggressively. But only if I was breaking curfew without her. I wasn't allowed to share a bed with her nights before I had my 8ams, because I'm "terrible at getting out of bed with another person." The original reason was because we both we're terrible at it, but after a few weeks it was just me who was "terrible at it." I had to be getting ready for bed by 10pm, every night. But this only mattered if I was staying out with Forest late; if I was alone with her, I might not go to bed until 11pm without any objection from her.

    It was always phrased as being in my best interests and I didn't object at first because idk I thought she knew better than me? But, I am an adult. And I'm allowed to make decisions about when I sleep and if I stay out late, even if she objects. And I wasn't allowed to.

    Additionally, so Ariel used to tell me that she didn't really feel we had a "real" relationship, primarily because we weren't having sex. I always very definitely came after N. I was a "secondary" relationship. And the sex thing being an issue came up a lot, because she'd say you can have a relationship without sex, and that she didn't want to have sex with me because she had trauma related to sex with girls - and then she'd tell me that only dating me was basically like being single for her.

    And! Ariel had to be my primary. I had to be devoted, and to prefer her above all my other relationships. She would ask me to rank my relationships in order of importance, and I always answered that I could only list them by age (because I refused to put her first, which is what she wanted, and come to think of it, this is probably why she wanted Dove and I to break up so badly).

    I tend to feel like I must have somehow been abusive to Ariel, even though everyone around me assures me I wasn't. But what if I wasn't attentive enough, what if I was sympathetic enough, what if what if what if. Because it takes two to tango, and if there's blame going around, I'm sure there's plenty to share. And I know Ariel thinks I was abusive.

    There wasn't really a coherent point to this. Just. I'm stuck in a loop, trying to see what I did wrong, and the answer appears to be "nothing" and I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I have examples of things she did that were fucked up. So what did I do wrong too?
    • Like x 1
  19. sirsparklepants

    sirsparklepants feral mom energies

    Oh my God. I'm not surprised you're still upset about that. I read that and it sent shivers down my spine because it upset me that much, and I didn't even live it. That is classic controlling abusive behavior.
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2016
    • Like x 6
  20. Beldaran

    Beldaran 70% abuse and 30% ramen

    If someone hits you and you react with pain and fear, and then they get mad at you for embarrassing them, that's not both of you doing something wrong.

    She hurt you, you had emotions about that but did not hurt her back. Sometimes you're not dancing, sometimes you're just walking along with someone and they shove you into the gutter without warning. Nothing about that situation is your fault and trite sayings most often pulled out to blame victims do not make you any more culpable for what she put you through.
    • Like x 9
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