What Even Am I? (identity musings)

Discussion in 'Your Bijou Blogette' started by Meagen Image, Jul 29, 2022.

  1. Meagen Image

    Meagen Image Well-Known Member

    I've been having some thoughts about my identity and needed a place to put them that's not a Discord conversation. This might get rambly.

    Thoughts and suggestions are welcome if you got 'em.
  2. Meagen Image

    Meagen Image Well-Known Member

    I say I'm Conveniently Assumed Female At Birth, because I have a K on my birth certificate ("kobieta", or "female") and I find that convenient.

    I've never wished I could be a boy, and when I thought of gender as a binary, I was pretty happy with the side I was on.
    For a while, I told myself "I am a straight girl but I have a masculine side, who is also straight" to try and reconcile my female identity with 1) sometimes I like to wear a nice suit 2) girls are hot. (Those are literally the only two things I ever felt like they needed the "inner masculine side" to explain. Good at math? Liking computers? Playing a lot of video games? Perfectly normal girl things for 1998 Meagen.)

    Then I learned that "bisexual" is an orientation and "butch" is a type of presentation, and I stopped needing a "male side".

    More recently I've been reading a bunch of posts from the NB crowd, and some of it has been resonating with me. But... only some of it.

    I don't know if I identify with the label "autismgender" but I definitely see where the people who do are coming from. Being autistic really gives you a specific perspective, and you can feel how much of gender is a performance. Putting on a costume and acting out mannerisms and just... playing a role.

    Many trans and NB people talk about how they tried to play that role and it felt false and uncomfortable and Not Like Themselves. I haven't really felt that. It's fun to put on makeup and a nice dress, get on the stage and be A Lady, and receive applause and accolades! I could also put on a nice suit and be A Butch Lady and turn heads that way, and that would also be fun and cool!

    But as with most social interactions, it's fun for a while but it's tiring and eventually I want to go home and drop the act. And I don't really feel like I have to do the whole Female performance for myself. I'm perfectly happy just being A Gamer, A Housekeeper, An Online Friend.

    I only really feel like I have a Gender in comparison to others. In a mostly male geeky group, I am A Gamer Lady. Partly I'm slightly on edge in case someone starts being unpleasant, but mostly I'm Not A Guy and happy to increase the diversity. I'll put some perfume on and apply a bit of makeup just to RL Photoshop my skin to be slightly smoother. Maybe wear a slightly nicer shirt, or paint my nails.

    But the more actual women are in a group, the more I feel... out of my league, in a way. Not that it's a competition, but it's like I'm an amateur who somehow stumbled into a meeting for pros. I know just enough from my amateur attempts that I can tell how much effort they're putting in, and how consistently. Anyone who does a full face of make-up every morning and co-ordinates her outfit and puts out a Womanly Performance all day is certainly more of a woman than I can manage, regardless of what's in her birth certificate.

    In a group of Women I feel more like a Choose Not To Answer, and it's not really unpleasant. It's nice that other people who are much better qualified are doing the thing and I don't have to. I'm not even jealous, I'm just admiring them. (Also they're hot.)

    Am I a "she/they"? I'm not sure I want to be a "they". I got called "they" once during a meet-up and it felt... a bit alienating, honestly. My main thought was "I didn't think my presentation was *that* androgynous today".

    So I guess I might be that most bland of NB, the "woman lite". "she/her but I don't want to put too much effort into it". My gender is "somewhat disagree" and my preferred presentation is "A Friend".
    • Like x 2
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