What to do after you almost died

isn't it fucked how that happens?

but yeah I spent some time being petrified I'd never be able to go back to school or be on my own again. even if that did happen, or does happen, I don't think it'll be thr worst ever. I think I can figure out. I'm trying to now.

 

Witnessed, I really hope you never end up at the place you were again.

I've had both an almost attempt (planed, had the means, set a date. Someone unknowingly prevented me) and a medical brush with death. Looking back, the medical problem was much easier to settle emotionally. It was basically a freak accident, an unpredictable one time event that I had surgery for and was done with. That particular problem literally can't happen again, so there isn't any fear around it, just an interesting story.

I'm 6 years out on the almost attempt, but it was by far the harder one to come to terms with. A big part of it was the pain that drove me to it didn't get sorted until 2015 (dysphoria) and until that time it was always a possibility. I could have made another plan, I could have made an attempt. It took multiple things going wrong to get to the exact mind state to be willing to do it, but I constantly wanted to. It's like having gone through a roughly 4 year period of having "almost died".

I'm wondering if that is some of it for you. The crisis is over, but you don't feel entirely out of danger?

 

Hello, I spent the first 6 years of my life routinely being given less than a week to live (I had leukemia). So to me, almost-dying was a very formative experience, more of a constant than a one-time thing. For years, Who I Was was a person who almost-died. Sometimes it feels like the entirety of my adult life is an afterlife, and through my teens I often felt like I was living on borrowed time. There's a sort of de-personalization involved in that, so I think it's important to ground yourself in the fact that you almost died, but you didn't. I also dealt with pretty bad survivor's guilt because I came into contact with a lot of children who went through the same situation but, for any number of arbitrary factors, died when I didn't. So, for example, people framing cancer survival as a "personal victory" or death by cancer as "losing the fight against cancer" still royally pisses me off to this day.

I totally get wanting to talk to people about it but not wanting to, like, mess with their day. The most important thing I learned about this is that some people are wiser than others, and that wisdom allows them to hear this kind of thing with quiet understanding and genuine support rather than with shock and horror and annoying questions and dramatic statements and making-it-about-them. Some people, even if you really love them and they really love you, just aren't made of the stuff it takes to listen to you calmly and offer you true human understanding without pity or fear. This isn't about some people being better than others, just about them being different. And when you think of reaching out, it's important to be aware of those differences. You might come to the conclusion that some people who are very close and dear to you aren't ready to listen to you tell this story, and that's OK.

I've also found that when I talk about this openly but without making a big deal out of it, it sets the tone for people to respond better and creates a comfortable climate for open discussion. Almost-dying is just a part of the story of my life. This sets the tone for other people in how they think about this and talk about it. I know it's tempting, while we're processing, to bring out the full drama and, like you mentioned, just scream "I ALMOST DIED HOLY SHIT", and you might need to do that too, and that's OK, but I've found that on the long run what helps the most is to be able to go past those feelings (NOT ignoring them, just accepting them without being consumed by them or letting your attempts at reaching out be consumed by them).

 

I was unconscious for my near death experience. I had a seizure in a wave pool. This has distressed me for some time because wow I might not even know I'm dying. I guess some might like that but the idea has deeply unsettled me for years. Sometimes I find it hard to sleep because what if I have a seizure and I die in my sleep? I won't know that I'm dying. And then there's just the sheer blackness of the seizure sleep. Like there's. Nothing. Not even dreams or the wisps of them. Just nothing. And that's terrifying. I'm terrified of death a lot in general and I'm still not entirely sure how to cope with the fact that I'm going to die at some point. At least over the years the panic has died down some? Like I still have panic attacks over it but I haven't had a week of daily panic attacks like I used to have. Which sucks. It really sucks. But progress is being made. It's slow progress and things still kind of suck, but things are getting better. And I'm going to be a stubborn bitch and keep trying to get it even better. I'm just so scared. But I'm stubborn.

And I hope that you can be stubborn too. And that it gets easier for you to deal with. And that it just stops fucking sucking.

 

@Re Allyssa Yeah the recurring theme seems to be that time kind of soothes this kind of thing. Hence my new signature lmao.

@Azurite Hm, maybe. I don't think I'm in immediate danger, but I'm scared of the same thing happening again, of being in that same place. I think I'm a lot better than I was at the time, like I've got a lot more skills, but I'm not entirely convinced it'll be enough to keep me safe. I don't know, but thanks.

@wixbloom I'm glad you survived. (I'm glad all of us in this thread survived) Thank you for what you said: I think it's definitely true what you said about how some people just aren't up for it. I think I've been kind of not reaching out in the fear that everyone will be like that but like...I guess knowing that it doesn't have to be a huge thing, it's okay to talk about, and just like...sitting with it, living with it, makes me feel better.

@Aondeug It's kind of weird for me because I wasn't conscious when I was in the most danger either - the thing I remember, and that scares me the most, is...I can only really describe it as "mortal terror," when it sunk in for me what I'd done and that I wouldn't be able to go back. I hope I can be stubborn too - I'm trying my hardest to get better. It's difficult, and I can do it, and I think I will be alright.

 

I relate pretty hard with this. I almost died in a car accident and didn't realize for a few months before I got into a doctor to help me. Ever since then it's that weird flash of 'I could have died if I slipped' ever so often? I often use my s/o to help ground me, or my mom, but it's mostly this hard-headedness. I now know that I had enough neck muscle to keep my spine stabalized enough to not die for months and that's bad ass.

I've survived suicide attempts too, attempts where your brain turns against itself. I guess I just sort of chock it up to another mark on the bedpost? "Look, something I did that other people can't! I survived, I lived on!"

Tbh sometimes when I have shitty days I also think "Well, at least my neck's not broken?" or "Well, I fucked up killing myself once might as well not try again."

not sure if this is even helpful or not. Hugs offered for bad experiences though!

 

hugs accepted

what a terrifying thing to have happen. i'd consider that a notch in my belt for sure. maybe that's how i'll start thinking of it.

 

i physically really feel like shit right now and all i can think of is "what if i'm dying? what if it's finally caught up to me"

this is silly and wrong but Fuck

 

+ sympathy.

Stress + periodic "THIS IS IT" thought combo is the worst.

 

what do i do about it

 

Try and fix the physically feeling like shit if you can, it's something to focus on and it'll relive some of the anxiety. (I don't know your specifics, or I'd offer more concrete "fix the physical thing" advice.)

 

pounding headache and general malaise, gets worse when ambulatory. probably dehydration. trying to drink steadily but really sick of water

 

Not helpful right this minute, but maybe get some water flavor packets/drops so water isnt as gross in the future? I understand getting really tired of just plain water.

 

ordinarily i'd go to the dining hall and get soda but it's literally the middle of the night

 

Definitely more water, tea is good if you have it. Tylenol/ibiprohen, and if you are in an area with allergens try sinus meds? That has been giving me headaches all week.

 

fun fact: ibuprofen overdose is what i attempted with lmao (it's not a trigger or anything i just...prefer to stay away from it, since my body may not tolerate it anymore)

 

Jesus... sorry for saying that. Would you prefer me to not mention meds at all?

 

nah it's cool. i genuinely thought it was funny cause i'm really tired and my brain is kinda fucked rn

i don't think i've got any tylenol actually

 

Glad I didn't make it worse, I hope the water and maybe laying down for a bit helps with the pain.