Vent Will this be my definitive vent thread? Find out next time, on "Eric Whines About Nothing"!

Brain: "you are not enough"

Me: "OKAY BRAIN WHAT THE HELL DO I NEED TO DO TO BE ENOUGH"

Brain: "get into all the fandoms your friends are in"

Me: "Okay well I'll try to-"

Brain: "NO! Not like that! You need to get into them organically! You need to derive the exact same pleasure they did when they first got into it!"

Me: ........

Brain: "Also yeah you still suck"

 

Aren't brains just great? /sarcasm

 

So, I went all the way up to the US for a weekend, to meet up with Bash (paintcat) and Michi (michinyo). We had an amazing time.
I come back home and get a series of lovely little bursts of depression allalong the way. It's gonna be at least afew months before I get to see any friends again. Not to mention again having my dad behind my back constantly.
I slept 6 hours in the past 2 days, which doesn't help. I got anxiety attacks on the plane and at the airport and on the ride home... and of course, when I get home, the only thought crossing my mind is "FUCK THIS PLACE".

Why am I like this?!

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

 

FUCK MICHI NO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS WE LOVE YOU AND CARE FOR YOU WHY NO FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

 

Breathe, Eric.
You won't lose her.
You won't lose her.
You won't lose her.
You won't lfuckingdammitGODDAMMITICAN'T

 

Ok. You misread. She might still stay in some chats. Breathe. Breathe. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ERIC BREATHE!!!

 

Friend: Recommends thing, says it's a lot of fun!! :D
Me: Immediately feels fucking awful for no apparent reason

 

I think I finally isolated my cycle of depression and inactivity:

-I feel like my lack of enjoyable hobbies is preventing me from getting better and want to take up an activity
-I try to do it. I like it. I try to do it regularly.
-I get tired of doing it regularly and every so often feel like it's better to just... stay home doing nothing.
-I end up starting to dislike doing the thing
-eventually it becomes almost like a chore, and I don't want to do it but I don't want to quit
-I end up giving in to my urge to not go more and more frequently
-I end up feeling like I gain nothing from it and we're back to having no enjoyable hobbies.

Someone help me, I'm tired of this, it just keeps happening so much and I don't want it to happen with stuff like crochet or journaling or hell, even something like playing games with friends.

I don't know how to stop it.