just noodling out life updates and how i feel about them, and in this one specific instance im permitting any and all responses - crossposting to my personal vent thread just to keep stuff ORGANIZED ok so as some folx on here might know, i’ve been semi-recently looking into getting an ADHD dx, but right now i have two “sorry no probably not” psych responses under my belt - one a test in college and one a psych guy in my city - and im really starting to think my most specific life struggles aren’t Classic ADHD anyway essentially, i have a whole chunk of what sounds like rejection sensitive dysphoria, with people who are important to me - i get scared of abandonment and get pretty panicked over it, plus i tend to overreact if i think someone’s mad at me - just a lot of kind of fawning behavior specifically designed to make them nice to me again. which isn’t, like, how i want to Do stuff in my life. i tend to get a little bit Worried about making sure that i’m Not being manipulative, because sometimes that presents itself to my mind as an easy way out of dealing with, like, taking responsibility for my actions? I don’t know when i’m on my own i have a weird struggle with feeling kind of hollow, which is SUPER exacerbated by taking weed on my own (legal in my state), and then it’s hard for me to interrupt that feeling unless i have a Task to do or external input And i super struggle with self-identity! i get confused about who has what tattoo between my partner and me sometimes. It’s been a nightmare working out my resume because ive only been able to figure out what im good at kind of recently, and i definitely struggled with self-harm as a Youth (TM) due to needing to ...delineate a space where my body was in my brain, if that makes sense. i have some chronic joint issues, though, so im not sure if some of that comes from like, not feeling connected to the ol’ bod over the Big Trans Feels + My body has thrown roadblocks in my way to be Well, historically. Also, due to being depressed from like age 10 to like 24 from SAD and dysthymia-esque vibes, it’s a struggle building memories and ALSO it’s a struggle building Plans for the Future. which is just ConstantScreaming.gif I *am* officially diagnosed with anxiety, and the psych who said “probably not ADHD” did tell me that some of my problems could be attributed to sleep apnea so #yikes (I gotta save up money for the sleep apnea test at this point, before i can qualify for a machine, but im Extremely likely to have that issue, based on how my family is) I can also get moments of just extreme paranoia! also not gr9 - usually when i am on my own, and not super frequently, but that’s a thing i am actively watching out for at this point, since my Dear Gramps had some shitty manipulative paranoia issues (in terms of: everyone is talking about me, whereas i get “oh god they’re following me, they’re walking faster”) I have also realized semi-recently that i have almost no self-soothing mechanisms, or at least nothing that I’ve really identified beyond “sometimes it’s helpful if i tell other people about what’s going on AND i get feedback from them”, and that is SUPES Frustrating to know that I need to Build this support structure in my life And i struggle quite a bit with emotional regulation. i don’t really express how im feeling a lot (also making it KIND OF DIFFICULT to go to a therapist and SHOW how im struggling) but internally, if something is going poorly, there’s So Much internal self-recrimination. i blame myself for stuff that Isn’t My Fault. Im Furious with myself for stuff that is. im usually able to show that im excited about something, and then i Feel like i’ve showed that Too Much and i feel like the worst person in the world. sometimes when mildly negative stuff happens i can practically feel myself dissociating, trying to figure out how much of my fault it’s going to be. And this is when i’ve slept relatively well and havent forgotten to get food that day. Yall, it’s exhausting. SO im trying to figure out what is UP is it my twenties?? (I’m 27 btw, and Have noticed myself chilling out a BIT internally in the past few years) is it all just anxiety and depression? I was looking at “quiet borderline personality disorder” for a hot minute, and tbh even if it ain’t me, the treatment options (such as DBT) seem like they would still be helpful. I’d prefer people not weigh in with “you definitely have adhd, *i* have adhd and etc etc etc”, or “this is how to MARCH into your PSYCH’S OFFICE and lay down the LAW” - i have anxiety and also, see all of the above for reasons of why i’m not going to do that/am capable of doing that. I would like: tips from people who know what im talking about, and have figured out how to mediate those symptoms, or if you think something else could be involved. and clarifying questions are welcome. anything about building self-soothing behaviors OR How to Emotionally Self Regulate Better, because while i have a good support group of friends who WILL offer feedback if im struggling, that isn’t a guaranteed thing, nor is it something i want to depend on/am comfortable with doing to people anyway THank
