I hate wanting to tell people things and wanting to have them respond. Wanting to say "Hey, Seebs, you know that question I had for you? Can I have you all to myself for the next 3 days while we discuss everything that goes on through my head regarding this topic?" I hate putting so much thought into so many things I want to ask to so many people and then not being able to do so because time and patience and spoons are limited. I hate wanting people to have infinite spoons so they can spend millions of them on me. On listening to my problems and mine alone. I hate not being able to share any of this with anyone I hate the fact that I'll probably get like 3 or 4 people responding to this at best and they'll all be well-meaning but none of them actually matter and I hate the fact that my brain just made me write this and now I'm just guilt-tripping people into responding AND I HATE THAT! I hate the fact that I'm legitimately thinking about copy-pasting this entire thing into After Dark just to get people to talk to me about my problems and just ask me and I hate the fact that I know I won't be satisfied with a 20-minute conversation or even a 3-hour one and that I feel this intense urge to tell someone "sit down and talk to me and me alone until I'm satisfied with the conclusion we reach and if that takes 10 hours then so be it!" And I hate that this is a sentiment that I HAVE EXPRESSED TO MY DAD MULTIPLE TIMES. I hate knowing that most people have their own lives to deal with and knowing that comparatively my life is nowhere NEAR as hard as theirs so what fucking right do I have to ask them to do ANYTHING?! I hate the fact that this isn't even the topic I started OUT being anxious about but I just didn't know where to complain and I couldn't yell at someone fast enough and so it evolved into THIS FUCKING MESS I FUCKING HATE IT!
I JUST GOT ANXIOUS BECAUSE IT'S BEEN ONE MINUTE AND NOBODY RESPONDED. WHAT THE FUCK, BRAIN?! IT'S ONE. FUCKING. MINUTE. NOBODY'S GONNA RESPOND IN ONE MINUTE!! NOBODY'S EVEN SEEN IT YET!
I deal with a lot of the same tbh. anxiety is torture. *hugs if want* your experiences are real and valid; your suffering isn't reduced just because others might be experiencing worse.
