Those lines in a work which sound really really bad out of context, through no fault of the author. I don't mean ones which were actually intended as a joke, I mean ones where the person writing clearly had no idea what they had just said or implied. Some personal favourites: "People may be forced to conclude that Grindelwald simply conjured a white handkerchief from the end of his wand and came quietly." "Gurgan Spearback pressed his long pole against the water. It sprayed out either side of the butt [...] They stepped out of his way and he pounded the pole home into the hole with several powerful thrusts. Water squirted everywhere from the enlarged aperture, soaking them." Stephen Fry when talking about a case of this in Sherlock Holmes for which I don't know the exact quote: "... and a man who ejaculated out of a second-storey window."
I told a person once "sorry for being late, I had to change pants before coming to meet you. Mine had a hole in them" But... forgot they were British and pants is underwear. Oops.
A friend and I were talking about being assholes to kids. He's a teacher, so he has to be a certain kind of jerk to them. Instead of asking what type of asshole he was, my mind decided to get metaphorical with it and I ended up asking "what flavor of asshole are you?"
Coworker, of another coworker: "We couldn't figure out what was wrong and then it turned out she stuck it in the wrong hole." It turns out the new vaccuum can be used to blow pressurised air as well.
One time I was in the kitchen working on an Amethyst gem for a cosplay, and I was talking to my dad about how I was using a thick plastic butter knife to cut the Sculpey, and I said, "See, things like this that are long and hard and rigid..." and he responded "They're not your thing, I get that."
One of my favourites was someone who was discussing their attempts to play guitar in a chatroom and greatly surprised the person who came in mid-conversation to see them say they "broke my G string while fingering a minor".
Haha, damn. Innuendo Bingo is suuuuper awkward if one of the participants is good at not laughing. Now I know this.
Me, teaching filleting: Now, you need to get a finger under the flap and just gently ease it in so it loosens enough for you to slide in your boner*... Rest of my team: ~sniggering~ *calling a filleting knife a boner completely straightfaced was only one of many small joys which made my butchering career so much fun.
In a conversation about bottom surgery, my friend interrupted and with zero self-awareness went on to suggest that we "update the wii." This is our new favorite euphemism.
While having very serious conversation with boyfriend about his self esteem he called himself an asshole. My response? "You're my asshole"
